God Made Me Amazing

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For a very long time God has been dealing with a deep deep deeeeeep issue in my life. I'm thinking maybe a good few years actually.  A massive area, deeply rooted, which has layers upon layers I guess. It all started off with me coming to terms with the fact that I had simply lost my voice. Despite being a leader, having a fair bit of influence...having so many loving, encouraging people around me...somehow, somewhere along the line I had, in the name of humility and protocol chosen to stay silent rather than voice my opinion...perhaps because of not wanting to rock the boat in relationships...or so as to not appear rebellious or unspiritual...or for fear of rejection or being misunderstood...I don't know really...all I know is that I had become voiceless.

Now to look at me you would think that's just stupid. Most people would label me very vocal and outspoken but I'm simply not. Most often than not if I don't feel safe or valued I just keep my thoughts to myself.  I was in heart turmoil as God began to reveal this stuff. Slowly I realised that I simply couldn't fear relationships breaking down or people rejecting me as a reason for not speaking up and voicing my thoughts. Especially when God had positioned me to speak, to have a voice...to influence.  If I stayed silent out of a false sense of humility I was hardly stewarding the voice He has given me right?  So here Papa was urging me - urging me hardcore - to face up to some truths. I had to be willing to reveal my thoughts and my opinions with confidence when needed - in the moments where staying silent had been my posture...and I had to understand that my thoughts were just as God centred as the next person's.  

I had to be willing to work through conflicting perspectives without fear of messiness. I had to be willing to not always agree with everyone and I had to be willing to fight for what was in my heart. Bottom line - I had to confront some stuff.  Whether I liked it or not, I had to engage in courageous communication in order to be more authentic...and in order to be free.  It was properly horrid but I realised that not confronting it and remaining mute was far worse.  And so I began.  I started to communicate courageously despite the discomfort and vulnerability.  I started to speak up.  Perhaps not in a conventional way but in a way that was powerful and liberating for me.  Amazingly as I began to walk through this my relationships actually got stronger and authenticity of a greater degree kicked in. Note to self - speaking up in love is healthy.

But God wasn't done yet. Not by a looooong shot.  As I navigated through the choppy seas of brave communication and slowly began to find a place of peace in the battle that had surrounded me, He began to go deeper in my inners about fear of man. Eeeeek how crazy? I didn't even know how deeply rooted this stuff was. He began to show me that just as in the name of humility I had succumbed to being silent...in my fear of man and fear of rejection I had also lost my fire.  Great - thanks God, nice one.  Haha, painful to discover but unfortunately true.  He showed me that the wild, intrepid dancing girl who came into the kingdom wide eyed...guns blazing, had somehow lost her fiery ammunition and conformed to the expectations of others - thinking it was humility, but in actual fact it was a form of religion. Eeeeek eeeek eeeeek. A thousand times eeeeeek!!  

He began to show me stuff that needed to change, as He enlightened the eyes of my heart. He also had children of God speak words of truth into what I can only describe as an identity crisis I was having.  Somewhere in my journey as a Christian a lid has been put on and I'd lost myself.  Sure, when I came to God there was soooo much He needed to purge out of me...what with all the sex, drugs and rock and roll but there was tons of stuff I now realise that He wanted me to keep, to enjoy, to radiate...but somewhere along the line in the pursuit of dying to self and being humble, I had let the sparkle in me die too. I had let the fiery way in which God made me...the sassy, bold, brash, in your face, wild, love the limelight, dancing, glowing gal become a gentle wall flower...and newsflash that's JUST NOT ME!! Haha!

Don't get me wrong - I love love looooove the grace, the love, compassion and I do believe quiet strength I walk in. I desperately needed to be tamed by God's presence and I'm so grateful for all the foul living and messed up thinking that was removed from my life...but I have come to understand that some of the stuff I was led to believe needed to be purged and pruned out of me because it was apparently part of the old me is actually very much part of the divine way in which I was fashioned. It's very much part of the way God will use me and although it may at times be too much for the church, it's by no means too much for God.  And so in the midst of all this inner stuff God was working on He began to reveal to me through our time together and through beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ that fear of man HAD TO GO. This was the time to fully embrace who I was in God...to unapologetically radiate His wild side and to not hold back.

To dance, to sing, to scream, to shout...to shine His light without caring what people think...I was told a very powerful statement - "God is not intimidated by you being amazing". Like oh my gosh how liberating!!!  You see for the longest time I was crippled by fear of disappointing God. Of making it about myself instead of Him. Of shining brightly my own radiance and trying to steal the glory away from God. I fled from the limelight. I kept silent. I tried my utmost to die to my desires - even my God given ones - in order to flee from selfish ambition and to be yielded. And don't get me wrong I did all those things from a pure heart...a heart that desperately wanted to prove faithful before God...a heart that wanted to have Christ seated in the centre of it. Yet in my desperation to 'humble' myself before God and man...I think I totally lost myself.

For fear of getting it wrong, I simply conformed to what people around me said I should do or say or be. But it's not anyone else's fault. I am surrounded by the most amazing, loving people anyone could ever desire. I am soooo blessed by the relationships I have. But I cannot be defined by them. I have to be me...and I now realise that I have to be true to who that is in Christ. Even if it's not conventional or expected or if it doesn't follow the norm. And the exciting thing is that all the gorgeous people around me totally want that for me - they fully want me to be me in God - but because I didn't know what that was I guess, I conformed a lot along the way...which is my error not anyone else's.  And so as God began to awaken this stuff in me I knew it was time for the lid to come off. It was time for me to fully embrace the way God had made me and to not be apologetic about it.

It was time for me to be completely comfortable with letting Gods light shine through me. It was time for the fear to go - fear of stealing Gods glory - fear of failing - fear of man - fear of rejection. It was time to not be shy about being amazing in God.  And to let others do the same. And somehow I now find myself on the other side of this undoing. I find myself unbridled.  I can now look back and see how God's beautiful Spirit moved in my life over the last few years to help me see as He sees...sometimes it moved incredibly violently...sometimes a little more gently...in order to renew my mind and take me to a higher place as an image bearer of God.  And today I stand here a little bolder...a little freer...a little more dazzling.  

And it's changed not just how I see myself but how I see others. I want to call out the radiance in them. I find myself hungry to raise people up. I want those in my care to step out and be incredible in God. I want them to be bold...to have faith in God's ability to preserve them from falling, as they simply go wild for Him. I want my ceiling to be their floor. I don't want there to be a lid on any of them. I don't want them to have to ever hold back on being who they have been called to be, just to conform to what may be expected of them. Because as I have recently discovered... "God is not intimidated by any of us being amazing".  On the contrary, our beautiful, ever radiant Father of lights, delights in it.

x

No Shifting Shadows...

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“Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.” James‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭(NLT‬‬)

2015 definitely had its valley seasons - some serious poo pits if I'm gonna keep it real - yep some of my most wounded, disillusioned and broken times in the Lord seemed to have taken place during the Spring and Summer of last year.  Yet for the most part the year was scandalously delicious. Like literally, my mouth was constantly left open in complete awe and wonder at what I saw God do in my life this last year. Despite the wilderness. Despite the trials. And as He dazzled me with His incredible INCREDIBLE kindness I came to recognise in a radical way that I would gladly walk through the valleys of 2015 again and again because in those places of rock bottom His goodness was unveiled to me, like never before. Such unchanging, constant, innate goodness.

For me, that is the only way that I can sum up 2015. It was the year that I truly came face to face with God's kindness. His beautiful faithfulness. His inherent goodness towards us - all the time...no matter the circumstances...no matter the reasons or the seasons, this God we serve always always always always always always always forever and ever every single moment of every single hour of every single day...has thoughts of nothing but goodness towards us.  Therefore whatever happens, or doesn't happen...we can trust that His goodness is at work. We don't trust His intervention as much as we trust His perfect nature...His nature of LOVE PERSONIFIED. We don't expect Him to somehow show up and show off in our isolated circumstances, need to need, incident to incident...situation to situation...but we come to know that we know that we know that He is, in His goodness - always working on our behalf, twenty four seven - in every detail of our lives - to bring about good - whether it feels like it or not...whether it looked like what we thought it would...whether we recognised it or not.

Loads of you may already have had that revelation, so game on, for that. But for me, this indelible truth has been etched so deeply upon my heart this year in an unprecedented way - I feel like my faith in His loving, kind, perfect nature has bought me to a new place to strength, confidence, assurance. It makes me fall in love with Him even more. The butterflies I get in my belly whenever I think of God's love seem to have found a new melody...and since I have become even more intimately acquainted with the inherent goodness of God - this heart of mine seems to be beating to a new rythmn. And I looooove it. It's the rythmn of God's inherent, steadfast, goodness - pulsating as an all powerful backdrop to the song of our lives...and slowly but surely, as I have navigated through the valleys and mountain tops of 2015, the steady rythmn of God's inherent, unfailing, always loving, perfect goodness - is becoming to me...as constant as my own heartbeat. 

x

Mercy Me...

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I found myself on the tube the other night...fairly late...probably way past 11pm.  Once again it was the ever eventful Central Line that I was travelling on...and as usual the carriage was jammed packed...everyone crushed like sardines...accept on this particular occasion most of the sardines were drunk. And quel surpris, I found myself faced with an encounter that got me thinking...

The encounter went something like this...A nice man made space for me and smiled as I clambered onto the carriage. A few moments after the tube set off, he asked me if I'd like to have his candle. His very expensive candle apparently.  I was pretty knackered from a crazy couple of loooong days and wasn't in the most chattiest of moods...but nevertheless I smiled and asked how come? He explained that he had been given a candle at an event, from a very high calibre brand - but he couldn't be bothered to carry it on his night out...and he'd rather give it away to someone lovely on the train instead...(apparently).  Obviously I knew he was harmless - just waxing lyrical...being a smooth operator and that..but I smiled anyway and said yeah sure. I was hoping that, this was the end of our little tête à tête, and I now could hopefully just zone out and catch some zzzz's.

He was just about to hand it to me when suddenly, his über arrogant bald headed Asian mate who was a bit too merry for his own good and clearly not happy about the rather generous, undeserved, gesture his friend was about to extend...piped up and practically started frothing at the mouth. "You can't do that!" He scoffed. "Ask her if she even knows what brand it is? Has she ever even heard of Hublot? Let her answer the question first!" Cringe galore. He was totes opinionated that's for sure. He looked at me and (with slightly hooded eyes due to his alcohol consumption) endeavoured to challenge me. "Do you even know who Hublot are?" I don't really think he was interested in my response. He graciously enlightened me. "They are a f***ing high end luxury brand!" How charming, I thought to myself. The fella was on a soapbox hardcore and he wasn't coming down for anybody. 

I looked at this Asian dude and then back at the poor White guy who was just tryna be nice and explained..."mate I really ain't that fussed. I don't know who Hublot are...never heard of them...not really into brands or even into candles for that matter...i'm more than happy for you to keep your candle". Charming Asian bloke is still scoffing away as the lovely English man looks embarrassed and persuades me to please take the candle and simply ignore the Asian bloke. Okay so the situation is becoming trés awkward by thus point because Indian arrogant man is now raising his wrist in the air showing me and every other sardine on the entire carriage his £35K Hublot watch...still insisting this is a "f***ing luxury brand you know...that candle he's just given you is worth a lot of money you know".  He then proceeds to tell everyone about the designer brands he wears daily...how much dough he's got...how Ilford is a S***hole - before finally adding that most schools are filled with refugees who are all apparently criminals. Nice.

Every inch of my being soooo wanted to tell this joker a few home truths about his deeply unattractive, arrogance - and his foolish love for mammon...but taking a deep breath, reminding myself I'm a Christian, I chose to ignore his alcoholic rant and talked to his nice friend instead. We talked about church, as I was on the way back from a worship night. We talked about my day teaching in a really rough school and then about his job as a McDonalds Franchise owner where he was making lots of money...with kids at private school...who just wanted to give his children what he hadn't had in life. Although I was cream cracked I enjoyed briefly chatting to him. He clearly was a nice guy and had a heart to bless.

As I got off the carriage a short while later with my very expensive candle that I actually didn't give a flying fig about, I found myself thinking about the lovely gesture that the guy who's name I found out was Jerry had carried out. I then thought about his friend who simply couldn't accept his friend's gesture of grace and didn't want me to receive this freebie until, in his eyes I was qualified enough to receive such an expensive gift. It wasn't long before he reminded me of the big brother in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15). I reflected upon how he also reminded me of the full day workers who had grumbled when the eleventh hour workers had got paid the same amount as them (Matthew 20). I then considered how he actually reminded me of how Christians can be towards one another. And then suddenly, dare I say it...he reminded me of me.

I was immediately convicted of those moments when I have wanted someone to qualify for a blessing...or for grace...the times that I have not rejoiced at someone's blessing of favour and instead somewhere in my subconscious I have wanted them to earn it...the moments where I have wondered why someone got blessed when in my eyes they simply didn't deserve it...those times when someone in my limited understanding and my tarnished heart had been able to apparently bypass the appropriate labour and seemingly "correct" process and get promoted in the blink of an eye...when surely they should have "proved more faithful, right?"

Or, those pitiful occasions when I have wanted someone to go through a loooong process before I felt they were faithful enough...before I felt they were worthy of recognition or praise...before I felt they were mature enough to receive the attention. Wow, Lord have mercy on me for every moment when I have resisted the work of grace and pushed the agenda of works...for every time mercy has not triumphed over judgement...for every time I simply thought I couldn't afford to be gracious...or lenient...or giving...

I mean praise be to Gawd, but the more that I have encountered and received the Love of God over the years the less I do this...because you simply can't hang around Jesus and not become merciful...gracious...tender hearted...and generous...but maaaan I have such such SUCH a long way to go. Having this encounter with the guy on the train definitely reminded me afresh of just how far I have to go...and how much I have to learn about true grace...about true love...about Christlike mercy.

And I'm not saying for one minute that faithfulness doesn't reward...faithfulness DOES 100% without a shadow of doubt bring Gods rich favour, multiplication (Matthew 25) and blessing into our lives...with God you absolutely reap what you sow...He is ridiculously lavish to those that give of themselves and those that do yield to the processes...those that do obey...those that labour...those that can be trusted...and even when you may not see the reward on earth you know hands down the reward is there in heaven...a reward so glorious and so worth pursuing.

Yet God is good all the time. He is inherently good and His grace is simply undeserving. His favour is unmerited. None of us could EVER qualify for what He has given us...For I myself am a recipient of God's scandalous grace that has so lavishly been poured out in my life even though I am not qualified in any shape or form...there is a crazy unmerited favour that has exploded my soul day in day out since I became a Christian when what I actually deserved was death. And here I am on countless occasions wanting myself and others to qualify instead of freely receiving grace. Shock horror...none of us can deem who is or isn't qualified...none of us can judge...all of us must endeavour as much as we are able to, to choose mercy over judgement.

It's simply the scandal of grace - a scandalous deed that we will continuously, on a daily basis in our lives, have the opportunity to extend to those around us...whether they deserve it or not...whether they qualify or not.  And I pray that when we are next found in a situation that warrants mercy over judgement...grace over works...that we will be like Jerry just wanting to bless even though it may not be earned...rather than his friend who simply didn't recognise that he could have partook of the scandal of grace without any cost to himself. And that for me I realise is the key...often we think we can't afford to be merciful...or giving...or gracious...that somehow if we give away that which is not deserved that we will lose something...often it's a fear of losing face...or losing an important lesson...or a crucial principle...but most often than not I learn afresh that when it comes to being gracious...we simply can't afford not to.

xx

A Far Better Way

It's my nephew's eighteenth birthday today and as I began to journal this morning, I noticed the date. I was taken back to the day he was born, and I remember clearly holding him for the first time, in awe. Never an aunty before it was a big deal to be holding my very first nephew. I still have the photograph, me standing there as a twenty one year old, newborn babe in my arms - the love of my life standing next to me...both of us clearly a bit stoned as we show up to the hospital to mark this special occasion. Behind the seemingly glossy Kodak moment I recall being broken inside. Even though back then I thought I was happy despite coming from a dysfunctional family, because hey dysfunction was just part of life right, and so being young, being in love, being free (apparently) was more than enough for me.  Such apparent blessings were a sufficient bandaid to cover over the wounds, tragedies and sorrows of my life.

In hindsight I can see so clearly that I was broken and my life was a mess.  Yet back then I would have thought it was totally normal to have dysfunction because I had never known any other way - and so I thought family feuds were normal and part and parcel of life. Living in sin and fornicating was totally normal. Being drunk every day was normal. Smoking weed and taking class A drugs regularly was normal. Scraping through a degree, off your trolley, never giving your all was normal. Broken relationships were normal. Low self esteem was normal. Debt and corruption was normal. Flirting, crookedness and manipulation was normal. Slander, gossip, backbiting, cursing and critisism was standard and always seeing the speck in others before ever clocking the log in our own eye was just how we rolled.

I simply never knew there was another way. I had no idea that I could live a life of utmost undiluted peace, or purity and power...where I walked in complete love, honour and integrity...where I knew what my worth was and refused to settle for any relationship that belittled my value. I didn't realise that I could experience complete healing from every wound, every hidden place of brokenness, every encounter of abuse or misuse...where I could be free from unforgiveness, bitterness and anger...where I could be restored from the spirit of rejection, isolation and confusion. I had no idea that I could receive unconditional love, be rooted in it, driven by it, live from it and learn to give it and I certainly didn't realise I could be adopted and adored by God where everything else paled in comparison. Who would have thought fast forward almost two decades, on my nephews eighteenth birthday that I could be so free, so transformed...be living a life so beautiful...not in make shift Kodak moments that our selfie happy society is so prone to, but truly beautiful off camera...a life eternally free, filled with joy so deep...purpose so rich...love so pure.

I will never stop thanking God for being free...It's a posture I cannot help but live and love from...often I find myself face down, totally undone...weeping in gratitude that He saved me from a life of extreme darkness into His glorious, beautiful, forever dazzling, soul exploding, light and love. Other times I see what's around me, I'll smell a scent or I'll hear a conversation and I'm suddenly reminded of my past...reminded of what He set me free from...and there I am once again, in awe...completely blown away that I don't have to live like that anymore.  Wowed afresh that His love has set me free and I'm part of the family of the happiest people on earth. But still, my heart hurts, pangs, for those around me...who just like I once did, have accepted dysfunction, brokenness and abuse as part and parcel of life. 

I felt this so strongly as I stood on a Central line train yesterday. Morning rush hour time. People crushed like sardines, Most conversations within earshot. A girl clambered on the train with a guy and they both seemed thankful that they'd managed to get aboard. As soon as the doors closed the train driver made an announcement that the train would be remaining on the platform for a while. They began to panic slightly and their conversation went something like this:

Girl: "F***!  We are going to be late..."

Boy: "We could maybe still make it."

Girl: "I'm so sorry we didn't leave earlier". Awkward silence.

Boy: "That's okay". Another announcement heard over the tanoy. "Yep.  We are going to be late".

Girl: "I could try and text her and tell her we are running late."

Boy: "Or I could text her, but then I'd need to use your phone...she would know we were together...and she can't know that..."

They then spent the next few minutes conjuring up excuses that they could volunteer separately once they made it into to work.  There clearly lay a hint of awkward heaviness hanging over their seemingly exciting but obviously taboo affair.  It visibly prevented them from enjoying their time together.  Both seemed to have had a good time but were evidently worried about getting into trouble at work.  I couldn't help but read the precious girl's mail.  Because she gave off a false sense of confidence that I have long been familiar with...one that says "surely he must like me because we've just slept together right...but deep deep deep down I just don't know if I'm worth anything to him".

Having been in that scenario before I knew the story well. Both of them were obviously colleagues. They clearly didn't know each other that well. They had spent the night together and now we're both running late for work having to hide the fact that they had been together...having to lie...having to make up all kinds of stories...to try and cover up what was seemingly a legitimate set up - two work colleagues who find themselves in the sack, end up being late for work because of it and don't want anyone to find out for whatever reason.  

The reasons that they don't want anyone at work to find out might include already having partners, or its a casual fling and not seriously enough for anyone to know...they may be work colleagues aren't meant to date...not really sure to be honest...but whatever the reasons I was aware from my own experience that this set up would give them both a false sense of intimacy...that here they both were sharing a special secret...this would be a bit of excitement they could engage in...flirting would continue at work...no one would know...their work banter would include some sexual innuendo and who knows it would maybe even lead to something special - who cares that it may have started in deception, or perhaps with the aid of a few drinks, maybe even something stronger...finding relationships this way was pretty standard right?

Nooooooo!!! Not at all!! I wanted to scream at them both on the train. I wanted to take hold of them, shake them and look them straight in the eye and tell them "there's another way beautiful people!"   You don't have to settle for deception. You don't have to be anyone's dirty little secret, or bit on the side.  You don't have to look for love in all the wrong places. You don't have to give your body away to truly feel like you belong. You don't have to compromise your worth in order to feel valued. You don't have to lie, or hide or lead a double life. You don't have to rely on substances to give you a false sense of confidence...you don't have to engage in promiscuity to find love...you don't have to have low self esteem or feel bad about who you are...or feel lonely. 

I stood on that train...so deeply thankful that I don't have to do any of these things anymore. So thankful that I have been shown another way. I have been shown a far superior way to live, than the one I had ignorantly settled for, back in the day, under the deceptive guise of so called normality.  I stood completely wrecked afresh on that overcrowded, Sardine packed, train overwhelmingly in awe of a life transformed. Yet so desperately aware that there is an entire generation, in fact it's not even one generation - this issue is trigenerational because this need for love, intimacy and acceptance spans across the young and the old...the rich and the poor...the educated and the uneducated...there literally is not an ounce of separation in this worldwide hunger for true, authentic love...a global thirst for true worth...for a better way...a higher way...a higher love...and we as Christians...as followers of Christ have been bestowed with it...without deserving it...with nothing of our own doing to boast in...mere recipients of a glorious, scandalous, eternal gift...a love so unmerited...a love so all encompassing and pure...so unconditional and holistic...and so we must share it...we simply cannot keep it to ourselves. 

We have what the world is looking for. It's never going to be found in the casual work flings...or the pretend Kodak family moments...or the drug fuelled, pleasure seeking pursuits in life. It can't be found in the deceptive security of mass culture.  It can only be found in the love and grace of God...and as I continue to look back on the wonder that is His Story in my life...I am forever in awe of once being blind but now being able to see...once being lost but now being completely found...once being so enslaved but now being made free Indeed...yet there is a world of enslaved hearts who too must know heaven's freedom...and I for one am determined to tell as many people as I can about this higher love...available for each and everyone of us.

x

 

Take Heart...

I have always found that before God is about to do a crazy delicious work in an area of my life He will usually draw my attention to the particular area where there's a glitch in the matrix.  Sometimes this is a pleasant experience and other times it is almost crippling.  Sometimes I'm immediately aware that it's God revealing this area to me and at other times my world comes crashing in first before I even clock that it's actually God who is allowing this area to be exposed. Either way, once He has highlighted the place that He is about to touch, He begins to get to work doing only what He can in my heart.  As miraculous turnaround comes in that area - sometimes quickly, sometimes over a long period - I am never in doubt about His wonder working power...I am never mistaken about who bought the change and who gets all the glory.  Only the Great Physician can so mercifully diagnose areas of hidden brokenness and sorrow, torment and fear.  Who else can touch the broken, offended, bitter, misused, wounded, fearful, rejected, abused, angry, isolated places deep in our souls and bring beauty for ashes, but God.

You see, when God sheds the spotlight on some very tender places in your heart...when He begins to reveal areas that need work...areas that need restoration...when He begins to highlight unhealthy mind sets and destructive behaviour...when He begins to purge and prune and bring to the surface tender truths and painful realities...when it hurts so much you simply can't breath...when God's consuming fire falls and the stirrings of the Holy Spirit kick in so powerfully that you are rendered continuously restless knowing change must occur...you simply cannot remain in the same posture. Resolve must come...when you are forced to be naked...forced to be authentic, real and raw. When God is so faithful that He simply refuses to leave the stones unturned in your life and it's the most uncomfortable place...where you just want to run and forever hide, instead you are compelled to stand and fight...then rejoice beloved...because you are on the brink of a beautiful breakthrough.

And though it is so ridiculously painful, so tender, so uncomfortable and hyper sensitive, the very fact that the Holy Spirit is doing a work in this area is proof that it's all about to change.  It's evidence that this area is about to be radically transformed so that Father God can make crooked paths straight...so He can intervene...flip turn the script upside down...deal with this poisonous stuff...and bring a scandalously delicious breakthrough in this very area which He in His great mercy has bought to the surface...where wounds, dysfunction, sorrow and strongholds have been built...but now MUST come tumbling down...so that we can come out winning...healed...whole...free and liberated. 

So if you are going through some heavenly heart surgery right now and it's all seems so messed up, take heart because you will come out of it so mended, so beautifully restored, stronger, healthier, more love conscious and so much more like Jesus than you could ever imagine. You will also be one step closer to being the very unique creation that God has created you to be, as the layers of grave clothes are peeled away from you, and your true God ordained identity is revealed afresh. 

x

Naturally Super

God often does this very cool thing in my life that never ceases to floor me.  I am certain I'm not alone in experiencing this though!! I simply love how He will suddenly use a natural principle to open a door to the supernatural. You'd totally think that would be standard, given that we have a body, soul and spirit working hand in hand? You'd think that spiritual principles bringing natural solutions and natural principles unlocking spiritual solutions would be common pathways we walk in, right?  But we don't because I reckon this perfect synchrony can get pretty fragmented here on earth where we just don't realise how beautifully it all can work together by God's perfect design, in order for us to live a truly abundant life. So when I do see the way God will bounce spiritual and natural principles off one another in my life to help me overcome my struggles and battles I'm always calmly delighted.

Soooo with this particular testimony God smashed it - using my diet, exercise and sleep patterns to help me pray more! How cool is that? I was definitely struggling with my lifestyle. I work from home so lots of discipline is required in order for me not to get distracted at home and to stay on top of managing my time. I wasn't praying as passionately and as militantly as I wanted to. I had started watching some TV before I slept again and so when I'd wake up in the morning I was lethargic. I wasn't eating as well as I'd like to and I certainly wasn't sleeping as long as I needed to.

BUT none of that would have changed really because you can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.  Obviously from a spiritual perspective I knew I needed to step it up...Spiritually I knew I needed to renew my mind big time...I needed to pray more...spend more time in the word...give more attention and energy to the God ignited dreams within me...etc etc etc.  Something had to give. My mind HAD to change in order for the patterns in my life to change.  And I'd already experienced untold occasions in my life where my mind would get so radically renewed in a split second - where I'd get a heavenly conviction and everything shifted bringing a powerful change in my life. So I guess this happening certainly wouldn't have been uncommon for me.  But that's not at all what happened on this occasion...What actually ended up happening was several unexpected shifts taking place in my body which triggered doors to open in my mind and then in my spirit and I was like...HELLO VICTORY!

Soooo basically, my friend had blessed me with a few sessions with a personal trainer for my birthday after a recent conversation we'd had about stewarding our bodies well, even when we may not sense an immediate need for physical exercise or sports. I really wanted to preserve the good health I enjoy in order to be healthy and fit in later years so we figured doing a work out at home would be a great thing to start doing. So I had a fab few sessions with a personal trainer...even ended up praying with her after my final session which I unfortunately think scared the daylights out of her...awkwaaaard...but perhaps more about that in another blog!! Anyhoo so she sets me up with a nice little personal plan to start doing a work out on my jack jones at home...perfecto.

At the same time I'm prepping for a trip to California so I start a 21 day fast...no meat, no TV, no alcohol and no sugar. So here I am - suddenly not watching any TV, instead I'm reading lots...sleeping earlier so awakening earlier, I'm not eating any meat or drinking the odd glass of wine...I'm feeling so fresh and full of energy. I'm drinking lots of water and as I'm doing my work outs I'm getting energised and finding myself full of fuel to pray with gusto...I'm praying for hours after having my fabulous morning work out...going for gold...I'm hearing from God in a fresh way...and before I know it my whole lifestyle has changed...hey presto...my mind has been renewed. Wowsers right? What I couldn't do spiritually I was able to do naturally, empowering the spiritual breakthrough to kick in. Glorious or what?!

I sat in a home group around that time just sharing about the innate fabulosity of God pertaining to this particular experience and one of my beautiful spiritual daughters shared about her own battle with God prompting her to wake up and pray in the early hours of the morning. She was frustrated with herself for ignoring the prompts of the Holy Spirit and mad at her flesh preventing her from being able to respond to His invitation. She determined that one of these days she would respond! I asked her the question..."What if you don't?".  The little treasure looked shocked. "Of course I will" she said. I'm sure in her mind she was thinking "oh me gosh...how can you be a spiritual mum and have so little faith in me...you doughnut?" I elaborated a little. "Imagine, let's be very realistic and practical...seriously on a level imagine lovey ducks, if you never ever end up actually responding to His call to wake up early and pray...what then?"

I wasn't trying to be doubtful or discouraging...I was trying to be realistic. Practical I guess.  Like honestly if life just carries on as usual with nothing ever changing how can we ever be confident that suddenly we'll one day wake up and simply obey. That's simply too much onus on our fragile and self seeking flesh.  And truthfully speaking putting all your eggs in that one basket - of one day in the midst of the same life patterns...same habits and strongholds...suddenly changing on the inside and being able to sustain the change in the face of the same opposing battles...simply is not realistic.  You see so often we can try and solve our practical battles with spiritual solutions...and I'm certainly not discounting spiritual strategies at all...its spiritual principles and statutes of God that are the backbone of all that we do...the way we view every single thing.  All things spiritual, emotional, physical, practical must be prayed into...must be approached through the lens of the Spirit...but imagine if for some of our challenges, God was in fact giving us very practical strategies to help solve what seem to be spiritual battles.

So for example prayerlessness, though a spiritual problem and at times a heart or mind issue - would also have practical reasons for occurring...such as fatigue...distractions...weariness...lack of sleep...worry...lack of time etc, so rather than determine in your heart that you will pray more, and then set about (in the midst of all the very present practical hindrances) to simply pray more...I believe would be pretty impossible. Surely, it would be more effective to be realistic about the physical hindrances getting in the way and prayerfully look to change those - so maybe get more sleep...wake up more refreshed...introduce more energy to your life maybe through exercise...cut off from worrying or distracting relationships or activities...watch less TV and replace it with some great books...change your eating habits so you are less tired or impacted by chemicals. As a result of these practical changes you could find yourself more energised to pray...or more motivated about setting time aside to worship. You could find yourself less distracted so more focused on your spiritual life. You could find your mind less cluttered so you hear from God clearer. All these practical changes could lead to a breakthrough in your spiritual life.

Sometimes I'm sure we can all agree that it's definitely the other way round. Sometimes the switch can go on in your spirit and suddenly an instant mind renewal will cause us to literally flip an 180 degree turn about a particular issue and radically things can change...we can get so empowered by that divine conviction to make changes in our lives in a very practical way. An example of this happened to me when it came to sexual purity. As God did a mental radical work in my heart about walking in purity...literally immediately I began to disconnect from relationships that would cause me to stumble in this area...I got rid of music...clothes...phone numbers...photographs...the whole shebang. My heart conviction feulled me to make some very practical changes to align with an inmost decision I had made in my spirit man. Another time I remember reading a book about The Makers Diet...talking about following a biblical diet of clean foods. Literally within minutes of starting to read the book I was hit by a Holy Ghost conviction about not eating pork, shellfish or other unclean foods. Instantly I began to live that out in a very practical way without needing much motivation because it was a complete renewal of mind.

Yet at other times, divinely revealed practical solutions are what God uses to bring deliverance or breakthrough in our lives over spiritual strongholds. In fact I remember a time when I'd spent a good three months struggling with passivity, weariness, demotivation, lethargy and a whole heap of other crap. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lie in bed, run away from all the deadlines and demands and curl up and flesh out watching rubbish TV. I had got to a stage where I felt soooo condemned...I didn't know how to break out of it...getting into God's presence seemed as impossible as dancing on the moon. I was bereft. The heaviness upon my heart was unbearable. My house was a total mess and I was months behind on designing my new collection. Torn between crawling back into bed for another night of condemnation watching trash TV or actually getting up and trying to do something productive, I mustered enough energy to walk over to the kitchen sink. I began to wash the dishes and instantaneously I felt chains break. The heaviness lifted. The depression disappeared. The condemnation fled and the guilt disappeared.

Suddenly the light exploded in my heart and I knew I had been delivered. It didn't involve a massive heartfelt prayer...or singing in desperate worship or performing another spiritual act (please don't get me wrong there have been thousands of occasions when prayer...worship...the word etc has been the beautiful door into Gods presence and bought me the breakthrough I desperately needed...and I believe it's actually these spiritual principles of intimacy that are foundational to any sort of seemingly natural breakthrough occurring in our lives...helping us to recognise a breakthrough has even come whatever form it comes in). On this particular occasion, it simply involved a practical act of washing the dishes.

But it's not the act itself I believe that brings the breakthrough but the posture it represents. Sometimes I believe God just requires us to do something, ANYTHING before He can do everything. God will use the most natural, simplist move on our part to demonstrate before the realm of the spirit that He now has license to royally intervene on our behalf.  In the midst of our ignorance, our failures, our shortcomings and our entering into enemy territory with our misspent actions I believe He often literally just needs us to take one step in the right direction whether spiritual or in the natural before He can explode with His rescue.  That's why seemingly practical breakthroughs are so exciting - I believe they demonstrate God's sovereignty in such a creative, awe inspiring, exciting way. 

It encourages me no end to expect the unexpected - to know that God could show up any how, any way and bring solution to the battles and obstacles I face in my life, makes life even more exciting and empowering. It gives me a fresh appreciation for our fearful and wonderful creative make up...that indeed the body...soul and spirit work hand in hand and God will use all three facets of our self to enhance our lives and bring the SUPERnatural...to lead us to triumph, abundance and gobsmacking radical victory in our lives...and to show Himself not only strong, loving and merciful...but completed invested in every area of who we are...Body...Soul...and Spirit.

x 

The Importance Of Rest

I clearly have been under the impression that I'm some sort of Superwoman graced by God to just keep going...to do everything that needs to be done no matter how tiring, how strenuous...or how demanding, but alas I think the truth has caught up with me and I realise that I simply can't do all the stuff I undertake...and so it has dawned on me that for a long time I have been pretty darn burnt out! 

See because I don't do the normal 9-5 drill and don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn each week day and then spend 10 hours a day on the go I have made an assumption that I'm getting rest at my gaff every single day as generally I work from home. But that's simply not true because my mind has not been at rest. It has not been switched off...my phones been going...my email keeps pinging...social media is always there in the background...I always have deadlines...I'm constantly rushing and basically I never actually switch off! Sounds familiar anyone?

It wasn't until I went to David's Tent this weekend for four days of blissful worship...no emails...no network...no stress...no deadlines...no responsibility...no work to do...that I realised just how under pressure and unrested I actually was. It's all totally my fault!  Maaan that's simply not how I want to do life. I want to take time out to rest. I want to switch off. I want to have long periods of my day when I don't respond to any emails...I want to let go of responsibity and just worship...or just chill...or just really listen...or just chat without needing to do something of importance.

And only I can do that for myself right - only I can set boundaries in place...only I can say no to stuff and yes to proper rest. Only I can switch off my phone or iPad...only I can delegate...it ultimately boils down to me and how I choose to steward this body, soul and spirit God has given me. 

And there's no condemnation - I have chosen to give myself and commit myself fully to things, to people, to projects that I am so passionate about...stuff that I truly believe in and want to champion and support...there has been an incredible grace over my life to serve with all that I have...but I also recognise that I am entering into a season of rest...and its kind of scary...but I don't want to fight it...I believe it's good for my being to engage with this rest and let the pace of my life slow down...I don't know what that looks like...I don't know how even to do that...I don't know how it will effect things around me but I do realise that if I don't rest and obey God then the grace will inevitably lift from the season I've been in then I'm not going to be any good to anyone if I do carry on going sixty miles per hour...when God is telling me to rein it in.

So I find myself aware of a new season. Unsure of how I'm going to navigate into it day by day...but confident it's from God. His goodness is compelling me to rest. I would definitely love to foster a lifestyle that includes regular rest...intentional rest...I don't necessarily mean just spiritual rest...I mean physical and emotional rest...a place where you feel so physically rested and recharged in the mind that you see clearer...you think fresher....you dream with fresh fuel and passion and you are recharged and motivated to keep running this beautiful race called life. Yet without rest your vision is blurry...you lose sight of your dreams...you feel weary...you get bored...you get slightly frustrated. 

At David's Tent as I worshipped for days without any interruption I realised just how much I had needed to come away from the demands of daily life. I saw just how weary I had become with well doing...crazy right? But that's what happened. I was so weary. Too weary to dream. To weary to hope for a glorious future. To weary to engage. Too weary to fight.

But now I'm back baybeeee and it feels soooo great. I am dreaming about destiny again...fully energised...full of hope...hungry for the Word and seeking more and more of God.  Rest...true rest...not the type of rest you get when you flick the telly on for an hour...or go for a sauna...or have a massage...as good as those things may be...but true rest goes deep...it causes everything to switch off until it fades away...true rest enables you to start again completely refuelled.  It enables you to feel energised and stronger.  Full of soul harmony. I sure don't want counterfeit rest in my life...I want proper deep rest that restores and heals...that strengthens and sharpens...and I want to make sure that moving forward that's the sort of rest I have in my life on a regular basis and if that means saying no to myself or others about doing stuff I'm going to have to learn how to do that...eek not sure how haha but I'm gonna get there. I hope we can all get there. It's not easy. In this constantly active Western world something is always always happening and to be able to master the art of rest in the midst of a whirlwind lifestyle will bring incredible benefits and I for one would like to experience them. x

Footprints In The Sand

One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord. 

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. 

"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You'd walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me." 

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

- by Mary Stevenson

Raw Glory

Living in Light was recently asked to feature as a Raw Artist in an independent showcase. Exciting stuff right? In fact the whole vibe of the organisation putting on the gig was definitely attractive to me and it was very cool to be part of this independent artists movement. But by the time the actual EXPLOSION event took place in London's Fashionable but pretty grimey Brick Lane, if truth be told I couldn't wait to get the whole thing over and done with...eek! See because this showcase came at a pretty challenging time for me. I was literally drowning in online orders without a moment to even respond to emails, eat, sleep properly or generally even function...I was kinda chained to my sewing machine as I tried to stay on top of the demand for the new Fusion Collection which pretty much sold out after one month!  Definitely yay, but also tres intense!! Plus lots of other things really important things were also happening along side all this which required my total attention and stuff that I simply couldn't afford to wing it with.  So here I was literally counting down the hours to when Raw would be over and I could focus on my next deadline!

I definitely struggled to carve time out to spend with God during this crazy season - 6 weeks of whirlwind madness that knocked me out!! Yet I felt His grace like crazy. I knew He was there the whole time. Every time I did steal away moments in His presence He showed up like a tsunami wave of love and strength. As beautiful as that was I felt like I was running on spiritual reserves for sure.  Yet on the morning of the show I was determined to spend more than a few moments with Him. I was acutely aware of my inability to make an impact, change the atmosphere or touch a single life...without the love and leading of God.  As I prayed for the RAW event happening later that evening I began to ask God to show me His heart for Brick Lane...for the people at the showcase and asking for Living in Light be a conduit for heaven.

And as God responded, I felt His heart kind of explode with love for Brick Lane.  I lay on my face in complete awe. The intensity of His tender compassion began to fill my entire bedroom as God unveiled His deep desire for the people that would come to the event...and His heart for that particular Geographical location...this run down yet nouveau trendy East London area, teeming with lost souls...who mulling around the dark, dimly lit, cosmopolitan bars and restaurants...scouting for punters outside the curry houses...filling studios as aspiring creatives...begging for handouts at passers by...were all in need of a touch from heaven.  And that's exactly what God wanted to do...I felt Him say that tonight He would touch Brick Lane. That this day was in His heavenly calendar.  He had orchestrated this.  He would use this event to release His RAW GLORY over Brick Lane.  He showed me afresh that we His children are His vessels...like literally jars of clay...that He positions us every day, every where so that He can shine His Light through our lives...our fragilities and flaws...gifts...talents and personalities. We just have to be where He wants us to be...confidently being ourselves...assured in the one to whom we belong, Who lives on the inside of us...and He will do the rest...because totally being His...is being ourselves - being who God has called us to be is what gives God the space to show up and break out...and begin to simply touch lives in an atmosphere that His children have chosen to take possession of by simply being there.

And that's exactly what He did.  As we spent the whole day getting ready, hair, make up...run way rehearsals...working with the event team, hair stylists, make up artists and the other designers and models - there was something distinctly different about us. It was undeniable. We carried the aroma of Christ. The unsaved models we worked with knew we were not like anyone they had met before. As we stood and prayed backstage preparing for the runway, amongst all the other fashion labels, it was as clear as day that we were walking in a peace, joy and love that often eluded the fashion industry.  We knew we were there to release the love, light and Liberty of heaven over the atmosphere and it wasn't so much in what we did, but what we carried. 

When Living in Light came onto the runway God totally smashed it - the joy, light and vibrancy that radiated from the collection as each piece sashayed down the catwalk was actually tangible - it literally lit up the place. The models shined brightly!  Gods words came back to me - He would touch Brick Lane and bring Light into the darkness! It was so heart enlarging and properly humbling to think that God can use us just being us...He can use the things that we love to do...our passions and gifts to touch the world without us saying a single word...simple by us just being His...and therefore being ourselves. What I love about it too is that I can't take any of the credit!! Yay...I can't boast...I can't steal God's glory! Cause I was far to busy to do anything to prepare for this event. I didn't fast or hardcore pray into it, and I didn't even want to go through the hassle of the event because I had too much work to do. I literally just wanted to get the day over and done with. Other than make the clothes I did squat!! And even the gifting and skill in making the clothes comes from Him. I literally feel that all I did that day was show up. That's soooo encouraging right?  

And it wasn't just me showing up either - to have so many friends and family coming to support was soooo beautiful...crazy mad encouraging. I felt that as I was a torch bearer for Christ on the runway my kingdom family were in the space just being who they are...just carrying Christ and changing the atmosphere and as they championed Living in Light that night, God used them to be vessels of light in Brick Lane. I truly believe that as Christians we have been saved, set apart and totally transformed to now go into the dark places and simply by being there, dispelling darkness.  And although this may include words and actions and sometimes potent gorgeous evangelism...often it's simply just our presence...emanating the RAW glory of the One we carry:

But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted. (‭1 Peter‬ ‭2‬:‭9-10‬ MSG)  

And it's not something that I saw happen only with Living in Light that incredible night last month.  I'm getting more and more of an insight of what it means to be spiritual beings here on earth everywhere I look. I saw it full wack last weekend at I watched Eska perform at her new album launch in the cool, urban, yet dark hot spot of Shoreditch. As 500 captivated fans hung on to her every word...gesture...her every movement...filled with starry eyed adulation, they were in love with this child of God...simply not aware that the songs she sings, are about Jesus...that the object of her affection and adoration is in fact God...and that at the core of her art she is not merely a musician but a Psalmist.  Yet the RAW glory of God doesn't become any less powerful because she doesn't reveal these truths.  Just because she doesn't mention God it doesn't mean He can't show up.  On the contrary, simply by virtue of who Eska is to God He shows up before any one else. The Spirit of God hovers and meanders throw the crowd, releasing love and light...He touches hearts and kisses foreheads...He draws hearts...breaks chains...heals wounds...not because Eska has spoken of who He is but instead she has let who she is IN HIM demonstrate the God she worships.  

Eska's Self Titles Album, out now. Http://eskaworld.com

And that what is the most freeing, gracious, glorious part of all this. It's not hard. We just have to be ourselves. This obviously does mean hanging out with Jesus a LOT though...a heck of a LOT...because only around Him...only around the beauty, truth and presence of God can we tap into who we really are...what our true identity is...only then do we have anything to offer the lost any way. They ain't gonna be changed by our flesh that's for sho! And only as we grow and walk in our true identity as God's sons and daughters can people lives around us be changed...can atmospheres around us be shifted...

This is what God is waiting for.  This is what all creation is thirsting for. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. (‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭19‬ NIV). As we understand more and more of what it means to be a child of God...to fellowship with a God as His kids...to walk in the personality...gifts...talents and ultimately the identity that we have as His family then wherever we go, whatever we do...His RAW glory will explode...by us simply being ourselves. 

xx

Bumps Before The Breakthrough.

I have generally found that before God is about to bring a change, victory or major breakthrough in something, that often we get ridiculously attacked in that area. The poo totally hits the fan. It gets soooo overwhelming that we wonder what the heck is going on...whether God has lost our address...forgotten our name...perhaps totally given up on us...because the fight is so fiery...so intense that we feel like we might just sink.  But I have come to recognise that when the heat is on and I am finding it so hard to see...hard to stand...so hard to remain full of joy...so hard to keep faith filled...so hard to be confident about God's perfect plan for my life...that it's in those days...weeks...months...and seasons that I need to prove most faithful...most expectant...most enduring...most rooted in love...and most spirit led...because the very thing in which I'm being so majorly battered and bruised is the very area that I am going to see a crazy wow God breakthrough...I'm gonna see answered prayers beyond my wildest dreams...I'm going to see the crooked places become deliciously straight...and I'm going to see the love and goodness of God in a new light...in a MUCH greater, faith-fuelling way.  

This very thing happened to me recently when I got a Word from God that I was going to be majorly blessed financially...immediately following the prophetic Word I experienced three months of such ridiculous lack that I almost got depressed...almost went over the edge haha...yet during the trial, in my heart I knew that somewhere in this fiery storm was a divine set up for my next season...that on the other side of the fight was the financial blessing that I knew was coming - but it wasn't going to JUST show up and be handed to me...I had to contend for it...I had to be willing to fight for it...my character had to be made mature enough to handle the blessing that was coming...my heart needing to recognise afresh who truly was the source of the blessing...and my faith needed a fresh place of growth...a fresh touch of the gift of faith.  

And so when the financial breakthrough did come after that crazy season of oh so painful lack I had NO DOUBT that the blessing was from God. That He in His amazing love drenched wisdom had allowed (NOT initiated) the lack in my life in order to prepare me for the abundance.  This filled me with fresh comfort on SO many levels.  I was reminded that He is totally in charge.  I was reminded that no matter how crazy the storm is, God is right there the whole time with us, championing us to come out stronger, maturer, more like His Son, humbler...and more yielded - so He can release all the juicy, delicious good stuff that He wants to lavish us with...longing for our characters to be able to handle the blessing.  The book of James calls this faith under pressure:

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭2-4‬ MSG)

I was reminded that no matter how dark things get, or how permanent and irreversible the mess may apparently seem when the struggles come, that the storm will surely pass and God WILL surely show up...He will work all things together for our good.  I was also reminded that I simply don't pray on the mountain tops like I pray in the valleys. Haha. No matter how much I might try and kid myself when the poo hits the fan and I'm in the wilderness I pray like crazy.  When things are sweet in my life, I know it...my prayers just don't have the same level of intensity.

I also now recognise how the Spirit of God will start speaking to you about stuff before the breakthrough is coming. The Holy Spirit will begin to renew your mind about certain thought patterns and perspectives you hold that need to change - mind sets that need to be renewed before the breakthrough comes.  Back in the day I used to hear people say "God's really been speaking to me about..." And I kinda didn't know what they meant. How did they know? I was getting convicted about loads of stuff all the time and so I wasn't really sure how you could identify one or two specific things that you felt God was saying to you above all the other stuff...I mean wasn't God speaking to you about everything? But see now I actually get it. It's like even with all the daily conversations you are having with Him, God stirs your heart up for a certain thing and you can't get away from it...you begin to sense a prompting from heaven, telling you that you need to pay attention to how God sees this particular issue...that you need to change your thinking in an area and line it up better to what the Word says. 

And so with this whole financial struggle that I faced I found my heart pulling towards one area in particular.  As the lack continued I remember my ever amazing Pastor talking about tithes and offerings at church. I remember literally being arrested and not being able to move...as he shared that tithes are what keeps the devourer (the enemy who steals from us) away from our stuff but it's the offering that we voluntarily bring to God that calls in the abundance. I was like DOHHHHH! How could I have forgotten that???! I suddenly realised that over the last four years as I'd lived by faith, trusting God to pay me my salary, that yes I had been completely provided for and even had blessings lavished upon me time and time again but I wasn't living in abundance. I realised that I had stopped bringing offerings before the Lord when bringing my tithes. I had obviously alway bought my tithes - that was non negotiable but I had felt that I simply couldn't afford a regular financial offering...so I had given myself as an offering month upon month year upon year as a substitute. Yet here God was challenging me to start bringing my monetary offering again. I felt He was saying that where He was taking me and what He wanted to give me couldn't be released until I tapped into the principle of bringing my seed offering regularly, trusting Him to be the one to provide for it. And so I did. I started giving beyond my means. I started blessing God and people in a way that I felt I had not been able to do for several years. I refused to count the cost and asked God to anoint me afresh with a heart of generosity.

And then pretty much immediately the financial breakthrough kicked in. Woohoo.  Props to Jesus!! Yay...I do believe following the fiery fight for the blessing...after all the contending...after the renewal of my mind...once I had obeyed God - I believe I was perhaps a little more equipped to handle the blessing...I was a little more aware of the source of my every single breakthrough...A little more trusting of Gods timing...a little more experiencially knowledgable of Gods love and goodness...a little more alert to the sound of Gods voice...a little maturer...a little stronger...a little more faith filled.  Aaah God is SO merciful and kind. It helps me no end to see time and time again that we have SUCH a beautiful, loving, giving, gorgeous Father in heaven who wants to lavish us with everything...absolutely everything...but that He is first and foremost after our hearts...and in the fiery places it's our hearts and characters that He is perfecting.  He is faithful beyond belief.  And no matter what we go through we will always come out winning...because God watches over the fulfilment of His Word in our lives to see it come to pass...and as painful, prolonging and purging as the process might be Papa always knows best. He always works it out. Good always comes out of it. We just have to trust and obey. x