Ibiza Diaries // Building The Altar

I wouldn’t have known it but nearly nineteen years ago God met me here in |Ibiza. I wouldn’t have known it because I was too busy living a life without Him. After knowing Him as a twelve year old I had walked away from God at the age of sixteen - HELLbent (like literally) on living for myself. Driven by the lusts of the flesh. The lusts of the eyes and the pride of life. And so here I was as a twenty four year old, enslaved to hedonism and heartache. I was empty on the inside; striving in vain to fill the gaping bit hole in my inners.  Trying to satisfy the pursuit of inner satisfaction  with my man, with getting high and with trying to be like the world around me.

Yet in hindsight, I am now convinced that God’s Spirit was brooding here in San Antonio Bay over me, even in my debauched wilderness - and as I would people-watch, sitting slightly uncomfortably on the rocky beaches of this island, wondering why my pill wasn’t kicking in yet…I would search my soul and question what this hedonistic living was really about. All around me I would see depravity. Though I failed in that moment to recognise it in myself, yet I could clearly see the emptiness in the lifestyle we were all pursuing. I could see that it just couldn’t satisfy. That beneath the surface of all the good time vibes, the defected soundtrack, the glamour, the drugs, the dancing and the so called freedom…there was deep emptiness.

Not too long after I had been on this trip in Ibiza, my world began to spin out of control. After a series of rock bottoms I knew I had to make a change. Crawling and often dragging myself to the altar with several failed attempts at surrendering my life to the God of my youth, I asked God to help me start again. The road to redemption that ensued, wasn’t easy and many a time over the next few years I made decisions that would enslave me all over again. With each decision to return to my previous life of darkness the entrapment would become more destructive than before, rendering me totally imprisoned.

Yet when freedom finally came I never looked back. It was oh so powerful. Over the next fifteen years God so beautifully transformed my life. He rescued and set me free from the reckless lifestyle I had been living and totally freed me from relying on sex, drugs and alcohol to fulfil me. He changed the way that I think about myself, my worth and my body and beautified my life so that I began to walk in dignity, honour and love. He completely renewed my entire outlook on life and instead of being driven by lust, the more I began to understand and receive God’s unconditional love. the more I began to be driven by true love. My whole world started to be about giving instead of taking. I no longer lived for myself but for God.

I experienced the sweetest liberation and found myself living a life of true freedom where who I was created to be, began to come alive and I found myself excitedly and purposefullly living a life of true significance. Finding myself so transformed, so whole, so healed and so filled with love that I can’t help but tell people about this glorious God who rescued me and flip turned my world upside down. Who threw me a lifeline and not only redeemed me from death but gave me a life of euphoria, of joy, of peace and hope, of adventure and excitement and of love and compassion - beyond my wildest dreams.

And so here I am back in Ibiza as part of Ibiza 24-7. And as I watched their videos on YouTube just before I came out here, I came across footage of their work out here from way back when they first started. They started about a year after I visited Ibiza that first time. As I watched each video and pondered the incredible fact that as I would have spent a week out here, high as a kite, partying and going wild nineteen years ago, someone must have been praying for me. Someone from Ibiza 24-7 must have prayer-walked the very streets I walked in my drunken stupor. Someone must have stood in the gap so that I could encounter God while I was here. And though I wouldn’t have known it at the time - but God was brooding over me and wooing me towards Him - in response to someone praying and sowing into the ground of my life. As I watched these video and considered this incredible possibility, I wept.

And today as I pray and weep over the partygoers of Ibiza I build a memorial stone here in San Antonia Bay to mark not just how God has met me a million times in my relationship with Him but how He also met me when I was here and I didn't even know Him. I build a memorial stone of worship, eternal gratitude and utter wonder at His mercy and kindness towards me. I build an altar right here on this party island convinced that this very altar will be a living stone, a memorial for generations far beyond my own life that will commemorate not just the encounters that I had with God as an individual but the future encounters of all those that will also come to know the fiery, unrelenting, patient and faithful love of God…the God who is faithfully and fiercely brooding over this island patiently and lovingly drawing humanity to Himself…

As I get ready to go out on the streets and share the love of God here in Ibiza, I am just so expectant that the same way that God had people praying for me while I was out here, standing in the gap for me, calling me into my true identity and place in God…so too am I being used my God to do this for the precious clubbers and workers out here. And the same way God flip turned my world upside down and then began to transform my life over a period of almost two decades…similarly He will patiently sow seeds into the hearts of the people here and over time, however long or short that may be they too will encounter God’s love the way that I did. And they too will build altars of praise and worship, as living memorials because God encountered them just like He encountered me and those before me and those before them and on and on it goes.

Our God, the same yesterday, today and forever - encountering humanity with His incredible love - generation upon generation - revealing His goodness to mankind, even in the most depraved, sinful, worldly settings…wooing the lost back into His love.

Hello Ibiza. Welcome to another glorious encounter with your God. x

Mum’s The Word

A few years back someone shared a prophetic word with me that was so bitter sweet that I felt broken for quite some time, after hearing it. The word may not even have been for me, yet I felt the Lord used it in the most profound way. When I first heard the word, I found myself receiving it and taking it on. It was a prophetic word sent by email and one of my spiritual kids at the time shared it with me because she had been so blessed by it. The word spoke of a generation of mums and dads that were being released to mother and father the next generation. These ‘mums’ and ‘dads’ had lived a life of obscurity - incubating in agape love, hidden in the secret place - and were now being unveiled as spiritual parents to the next generation. They had sought no glory of their own and had been faithful to the process - and now their high places of calling were being unveiled - they were mothers and fathers raised up to nurture and establish the next generation, of which my spiritual daughter was one. Suddenly I found myself being “officially” slotted into the position of mother to her and her generation - by virtue of a proph bomb casually dropped into my world.

Initially I was all ‘praise the Lord’ about it - I guess it was because it made me sound super spiritual and holy if indeed I was one of these mama jamaas but also because I love to champion, edify and raise people up in every sphere of influence God’s given me and so as a by-product of this tendency in me, I was spiritual mum to loads of young’ns (and even older ones) at the time anyway. It resonated with me to a certain degree. Also though, I think it was because back then I didn’t quite clock that I didn’t have to full wack receive every word that came my way and I could take time to test every spirit.

So, over the next day or so, the weight of the word slowly began to seep into my soul and I found myself wrestling with God, with a heaviness in my heart. Why did that word make me feel so miserable Lord?  I mean, was it even for me, Father? Am I really just called to be a mother to the next generation and nothing more? As I delved further into the chambers of my soul, I very soon realised that I was in fact, feeling like I’d been shortchanged by God. I was feeling deceived. It was very very quietly breaking my heart to think that I had spent the last ten years hidden in obscurity, in obedience, under God’s shadow, trusting that in His perfect timing He would bring me into the fullness of everything He had prepared for me - and now suddenly I felt like I was being slapped in the face with the stark reality that I wasn’t even going to have the opportunity to enjoy the fruit of my labour before it would somehow bypass my own nourishment and instead would be given to another generation to feed them instead. And not just for a season, but as a calling. Wow.

‘Lord’, I asked “is that it? Is that all my life will be?” I mean to think that all along, through the years of obedience, sacrifice, discipline, breaking and pruning, that I was being prepared by God, it wasn’t for my own calling - it was for others. And now, I was finally being taken out of hiding - only to pour my life out upon the next generation. WHAAAAT??? Whaaaat? Seriously, whaaaat??? I mean Father, there’s a slight glitch in the matrix here. Lord Jesus, what about me???? What about my calling? What about someone pouring into my life??? I’m still just a kid in the kingdom, Lord. Do I simply bypass my own calling, to become a mother to the next generation? I don’t get it. Honestly Father, I just don’t get it. I’ve been patiently waiting for the fullness of my destiny for so long Lord. Waiting for the more, Lord. Only to discover that my more is infact for someone else. Ache ache. Lament lament. 

In hindsight, yes it sounds diva-esqe. But that’s genuinely how I felt. I think what magnified this ache so much more was that I was going through a season of such tender disappointment anyway. Of feeling silenced. Invisible. Unqualified. Unappreciated. Unfruitful. Insignificant. Feeling like I had achieved diddly squat in my life. I was most certainly going through an identity crisis at the time, unsure of who I was, or who I was becoming. And then suddenly I hear this word and now I’m wrestling with an added level of identity confusion, because now I’m thinking not only am I struggling to be who I think I am meant to be deep down on the inside, but now I’m apparently none of those things - because I’m actually called to be a mother instead. Hmmmn. What a bummer, Lord. Like seriously.

In my crisis, my disappointment, confusion and brokenness, I crawled into the only place that I know where I have full permission to be me, on the journey to become who I really am. That glorious place where I find true identity, safety, peace, rest, hope and love. That place where I find respite even when the poo is hitting the fan all around me. The place that I am continuously stripped of my grave clothes and mercifully find myself clothed afresh in resurrection power. The secret place. My place, inside of Christ.

And it was here in the Secret Place that my heart was slowly revived. My mind was renewed. My hope was awakened. It was here that I began to SEE once again through the lens of God’s goodness - beyond the confusion I was experiencing in my circumstances and in my inners, beyond the disappointment, beyond the pain. It was here that my tormented soul was finally quietened and the comfort of His kind voice began to soothe.

And slowly but surely it was okay. It was okay that what I thought He had potentially created and prepared me for wasn't apparently it. It was okay that my calling was seemingly to live a life of mothering others. It was okay that He had other plans than what I thought He had been saying to me all these years. It was ALL totally totally okay.  BECAUSE the truth is that God has full permission to flip the script whenever He likes, however He wants - whether we get it or not, whether we like to or not. Because ultimately, He is the Potter and we are the clay. And you see, He is the BEST POTTER EVER. The Master Potter. The kindest Potter. Filled with love and goodness. Trustworthy and true. Faithful and sure. With only His best for us. And ultimately whether we understand it or not, whether we see it or not, all of us I am so surely convinced, deep in our heart of hearts, only ever want to be who HE has designed us to be anyway.

And so I found myself stepping into a word that I don’t really even know was meant for me smiles...yet it birthed within me a fresh yielding...that said not my will but Yours Lord. Not my way but Yours Lord. It stirred up a fresh place of surrender that cried out...I’ll do whatever you ask Father. I’ll totally be a mum to the next generation. I’ll give myself to it fully. I’ll take those that you have already given me as spiritual kids and I will sow into them in a greater way. I’ll find more children to raise up. All that I am I will teach them. I will mentor them. I will give them my time, I will pray for them and love them deeply, I will encourage them to love You with all that they are and to be everything You have designed them to be. I will nurture them and champion them and the places I may have wanted to occupy I will give to them. What I would have poured into myself I will pour out on them.

And in the surrender I found fresh zeal. I found fresh freedom. I found a fulfilment that I hadn’t encountered before. As I began to give myself away, I saw sides of God that I hadn’t been exposed to before. I experienced a sweet sense of liberation that I hadn’t known before.  And suddenly being mum to many, with intentionality and purpose, became a beautiful thing. A pursued thing. Building legacy became a personal thing. To let my - yet very incomplete and very much obscure ceiling, become the floor for the next generation, became a holy thing. Ironically yet not surprisingly, this pursuit of releasing others totally became a God thing.

And then to my delight, over time - this heightened desire in me to release the next generation into their destinies somehow end up releasing me. Ha. Typical Kingdom shenanigans right? The very thing you are willing to give away for the Lord, is what you will end up gaining in the end. Happy days. You see, as I laid down my own calling to establish someone else’s I ultimately found myself stepping into a greater revelation of who I had been designed to me - and without choosing to sacrificially nurture my spiritual children I could never have stepped into this crazy mothering anointing which ended up enlarging my heart and my borders in the most delicious way:

“Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth! You’re ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women.” GOD says so! “Clear lots of ground for your tents! Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big! Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep. You’re going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family. You’re going to take over whole nations; you’re going to resettle abandoned cities. Don’t be afraid—you’re not going to be embarrassed. Don’t hold back—you’re not going to come up short. You’ll forget all about the humiliations of your youth, and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory. For your Maker is your bridegroom, his name, GOD -of-the-Angel-Armies! Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel, known as God of the whole earth.” Isaiah‬ ‭54:1-5‬ ‭MSG‬‬

As this process unfolded, with a surrendered heart and with joy afresh, I found myself singing a new song. Though barren and childless in the physical, I released a spiritual mother’s melody of nurture. As the number of my spiritual babes grew, I cleared more ground for new tents. I made them large. I spread out my arms with a sweet abandon. I began to think big, on behalf of the children that were mine, not by birth, but by spirit. I began to use plenty of rope and I drove the tent pegs deep. I delightfully made lots of elbow room for my growing spiritual family. And as I pondered the beauty of my beautiful, breathtaking brood of spiritual children - coming to know their Maker in a deeper way - and their children’s children coming to know God in an intimate relationship, because of something that my life could pour into them, to help shape them and nurture them into purpose, I found comfort and a sense of rest and fulfilment, that was beyond me.

And as I considered the awesome privilege of building a legacy, where generation upon generation could perhaps enjoy the fruit of my simple, little life, I found myself seeing John 12:24-25 in a new light:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” John‬ ‭12:24-25‬ ‭ESV‬‬

And as I quietly pondered the exploits they would do because they “knew” their God, the nations they would overtake; and the abandoned cities they would resettle, I came to the sweet realisation that I never have to hold back or fear in giving myself away to them - for anything I could seemingly lose out on in my own calling for the sake of anyone elses’s would never EVER be in vain. You see with God, I could simply never come up short - for my Maker is my bridegroom, His name, GOD -of-the-Angel-Armies! My Redeemer is The Holy of Israel, known as God of the whole earth.

And so in true kingdom style, in that place of yielding, of relinquishing and in giving away the little that I had, I suddenly found doors that had been closed in my own journey began to open...I found places within myself became freer. I held on to my tomorrow’s far less.  Somehow I found myself being shaped by the process just like the widow of Zarephath that we have all read about in 1 Kings, where the Prophet Elijah came to her and told her to feed him with her very last meal. Though that was all she had and though she would still have her own son to try and feed after she would feed Elijah, still she trusted and she used the last of her flour and the last of her oil to feed this prophet to the detriment of her own gain. When the prophet ordered her to gather all the jars she had, she did as he asked. Yet as she obeyed him, the most extraordinary thing occurred. In place of giving her last meal away, she gained an unending supply of flour and oil according to the Word of God.

This is literally how I feel. Seriously. An unending supply of fulfilment has been mine since I said yes to pouring into the next generation with purpose and intentionally, esteeming their calling far more precious than mine. Yet it was this very process, journey and YES I guess that allowed God to shape me into who He had called me to be. And what I had deemed as a destination actually was simply a thoroughfare. I needed to say YES to giving what I had away so that I could have impurities removed from my heart. So that I could be developed into more of the vessel that God wants me to be.

Not surprisingly then, I actually discovered that Zarephath means refining. A refinery being a facility where raw materials are converted into some valuable substance by having impurities removed. Smiles. You see, whenever a material needs to have unwanted parts removed in order to be made into a useable product, it must be refined. Refinery comes from refine, which is rooted in the now-obsolete verb fine, "make fine." It is often in giving it all away that we are refined. Living a life of sacrifice – being another’s breakthrough though you need one yourself…letting another shine their light though yours seems hidden…denying your own apparent growth or fulfilment so that Jesus’ purposes could prevail. And somehow it’s in this painful place of yielding and laying everything down that we ultimately end up gaining everything we need and actually the things that we desire. 

More than ever before I am convinced that one of the greatest measures of success is raising up  successors. I believe building legacy is one of the most significant things we can sow into, during our time on earth. Since this process began the mother is me is truly growing. I am finding the deepest joy, satisfaction and personal breakthrough as I pour into others in an intentional way. I’m seeing the fruit in my family, of course in my spiritual kids and most delightfully I’m seeing the fruit in my inners, conforming me more into the likeness of Christ. I’m so grateful. I’m so so grateful that the Lord has somehow heightened this bent in me. I am so so blessed, so honoured and truly so full. 

“Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth! You’re ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women.”

xx

Dirty Glory

Since June of this year, I have found myself stepping into a deeper revelation of somehow pursuing God’s glory in the murky places of life with joy and eagerness that has previously escaped me. My flesh obviously resists the thought of seeking the majesty of God in the mess of my every day world...in the uncomfortable...the awkward...the seemingly sinful... the miserable...inconvenient...unconventional places of my life and the lives around me. Yet my Spirit beckons me towards the grimy yet glorious adventure of experiencing God’s majesty in the fractured, sin drenched, dysfunctional facets of our world.

You see, these broken but beautiful places, that are part of the fabric of our lives, our communities, cultures hide within them realms of Gods glory reserved only for the darkness. Unconventional divine opportunities are tucked away, inconspicuously covered by ugliness and inconvenience in these often shunned places of our world yet I find myself longing to meet God right there, so that I may see His beauty majestically radiate in the dark, fractured, often awkward facets of our lives.

“The Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighbourhood. We saw the glory with our own eyes, the one-of-a-kind glory, like Father, like Son, Generous inside and out, true from start to finish.” ‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬(John 1:14 MSG)

Lately I have pondered...what would happen if I truly understood the truth that 2000 years ago, glorious Jesus, with His one of a kind glory, moved into my neighbourhood, into the fractured world around me and He never left. He’s right here. His Spirit brooding in and around my broken world. What if I eagerly, intentionally, reverentially and filled with childlike wonder, met Him there???

This pursuit become ever real to me this summer after I met two men. Andy and Steve. It’s like they had lived a life of experiencing Gods glory – recognised the announcement of Gods glory  in the fragility of human life and it had evoked a generosity within them which is so unconventional. It challenged me so much. Not only did they lavish me with a £10K financial gift (I know, it’s nuts...but more about that in another blog!) but they extracted some hardcore treasure out of Living in Light. Highlighting the fact that Living in Light makes bespoke pieces for the one...affirming that this reflected the personal, generous heart of God.

They then challenged me to hire refugees so that in this broken, displaced, precious community some may find their dreams revived through Living in Light. That beauty may be restored to even just a few of the lives that have been stolen and violated in the refugee crisis. Wow. That marked me. So started a journey into unconventional creativity, seeking God’s heart in broken places afresh...in places I hadn’t yet considered for Living in Light to tread. I’m so glad I did.

The first precious woman I found was called Ailing. She came to work with me for four days in the summer. Not only did she end up knowing Christ as she had been a believer raised in China, but I will never forget the poignant moment that we sat together to bless our lunch and she lifted up the sweetest prayer in Mandarin as I silently closed my eyes, filled with awe and wonder.  As she prepared to leave on her last day with me I prayed for her filled with such love, as she wept uncontrollably in response. The beauty and majesty found in the time we shared together, the way that I watched her blossom and awesome wonder of God’s love for this precious girl would have eluded me if I’d stayed safe…in my conventional ideas for Living in Light.

And so began this fresh pursuit, of finding God’s glory in the unconventional places of my world...whether they be creative, sinful, awkward, politically challenged, ugly, uncomfortable or inconvenient places...they were places of resistance that my flesh would rather avoid but my spirit was longing anew to see God’s glory in the grime and dirt of life like never before.

Yet if truth be told, in my own natural strength my flesh often wins against my spirit in my desire to meet God in the murkiness of life. Far too often my flesh would rather stay in the comfort zone, surrounded by niceties, convenience, peace and pleasure. But it is in the darkness that God’s glory shines brightest still. Jesus Christ - the Light of the World - knew that more than anyone. And He was our greatest example of letting majesty and glory radiate out if lives darkest places. Not least when He hung on the cross, but on a daily basis as He reached out to the outcasts, the marginalised, leperous, the sick, the demonised, hanging out with prostitutes and dining with tax collectors...

Seriously...how did He do it??? 

How come he wasn't overwhelmed by the scale of it, put off by the awkwardness of it...or intimidated by the mystery of it...He wasn't fazed by the inconvenience of it...

What made Him so confident...how was He so available...how was He so alert and sensitive?

How was He so sure that God would meet Him there? And not leave Him hanging??? JOHN‬ ‭5:1-9, 15-19‬ ‭(TPT‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬) gives me a bit of a clue...

‘Then Jesus returned to Jerusalem to observe one of the Jewish holy days. Inside the city near the Sheep Gate there is a pool called in Aramaic, The House of Loving Kindness. And this pool is surrounded by five covered porches. Hundreds of sick people were lying there on the porches—the paralyzed, the blind, and the crippled, all of them waiting for their healing. For an angel of God would periodically descend into the pool to stir the waters, and the first one who stepped into the pool after the waters swirled would instantly be healed.

Now there was a man who had been disabled for thirty-eight years lying among the multitude of the sick. When Jesus saw him lying there, he knew that the man had been crippled for a long time. So Jesus said to him, “Do you truly long to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, there’s no way I can get healed, for I have no one who will lower me into the water when the angel comes. As soon as I try to crawl to the edge of the pool, someone else jumps in ahead of me.”  Then Jesus said to him, “Stand up! Pick up your sleeping mat and you will walk!” Immediately he stood up—he was healed! So he rolled up his mat and walked again! Now this miracle took place on the Jewish Sabbath.

Then the man went to the Jewish leaders to inform them, “It was Jesus who healed me!” So from that day forward the Jewish leaders began to persecute Jesus because of the things he did on the Sabbath. Jesus answered his critics by saying, “Everyday my Father is at work, and I will be too!” This infuriated them and made them all the more eager to devise a plan to kill him. For not only did he break their Sabbath rules, but he called God “my Father,” which made him equal to God. So Jesus said, “I speak to you timeless truth. The Son is not able to do anything from himself or through my own initiative. I only do the works that I see the Father doing, for the Son does the same works as his Father.’

This sheep gate was where the sacrificial animals were brought into the temple. Given it was a Jewish holiday you’d have to no doubt swing by the sheep gate to offer up your sacrificial animals.  The name of the pool Bethesda means house of mercy. Legend would have it that an angel would come and stir the waters and the first person in after the stirring would be healed. Wow. What an uncomfortable picture. All the sick, the blind, the lame gathering there, waiting to be in with a chance to be healed. Imagine how depressing and heart wrenching it would be? All the desperation, the striving to be the first to be in the first one in the pool should an angel stir up the pool...

People would no doubt avoid that spot, right? For it screams desperation. Discomfort. I’m sure that if you didn’t have to offer a sacrifice you would probably ignore such a spot, would you not? 

If I were to be honest, this pool of Bethesaida reminds me of the overground train we have in London. It’s renowned for drug addicts and the homeless begging on it. It doesn’t have carriages so you get homeless people walking up and down asking for money.  This orange lined subway train is their Bethesda - their house of mercy, as each one of them waits desperately for people’s hearts to be stirred on their behalf...as they endure the daily grind, desperate striving to see who can convey the most desperate circumstances...who can move the commuters with the most compassion...who will make it into the pool first and receive a potential donation from a sympathetic commuter.

For the commuters the experience is uncomfortable...guilt evoking...mercy provoking. One simply cannot escape the call for action, or the darkness, or the ugliness of life. One cannot simply bury their head and pretend it doesn’t exist. You have to engage with it. I find myself repeatedly torn between compassion and discomfort. I give money, food, a smile…I may even see same person twice and build on a previous conversation. Yet I have sat on that train countless times internally cringing wanting to avoid the uncomfortable encounter all together...

You see...my own mercy is limited. Often my flesh simply wants to avoid the situation and get on another train line and carry on with my comfortable, easy life...Yet Jesus doesn’t do that. He deliberately seeks God’s glory in the darkness.

Jesus saw him lying there. He was alert. He didn’t avoid the pool. He approached Him in the middle of his pain. He was FULLY aware of his natural circumstances – the truth was that he was an invalid 38 years. It was undeniable. And God doesn’t deny his earthly reality…Jesus doesn’t dismiss their truth – yet what He offers them a truer truth. Asking this invalid of 38 years whether he was willing to live in A TRUER TRUTH...because they have to want to see it too. He asks...Do you truly long to be healed???? He’s not asking him if he wants to be physically mended – he’s asking if he is willing to release the faith for complete wholeness.

The Greek for healed is GENESTHAI – meaning are you willing to be generated WHOLE? The word generated means to BEGIN TO BE or COME INTO EXISTENCE – are you committed to a new existence – a genesis – a new start right now??? It’s not future tense – ie...would you like to be healed – it indicates something already accomplished – Jesus is asking if this man is willing to abandon his truth and receive a truer truth – WHICH IS GOD’S ORIGINAL INTENTION FOR HIM! You see the things is that Jesus is so confident in doing what He sees His Father in heaven doing. Of saying what He hears His Father saying!!! He is unshakable confident in His Father’s original intention for mankind and when He looks at dire circumstances Jesus saw not the outward appearance of it, but the finished work...the original intention God has for all mankind!

To SEE means to look at (literally or figuratively):--behold, beware, look (on, to), perceive, regard, see, sight, take heed, gaze at, to perceive by the senses, to feel, to discover by use, to know by experience,  to see with the mind's eye, to have (the power of) understanding, to discern mentally, observe, perceive, discover, understand, to turn the thoughts or direct the mind to a thing, to consider, contemplate, to look at, to weigh carefully, examine.

I want spiritual eyes that turn my thoughts and direct the mind to a thing, to consider, contemplate, to look at, to weigh carefully, examine what the Father is doing...to sense with the eyes of my heart, my spiritual senses when God is wanting to display His glory – so that I am not overwhelmed by what I see but so that I can see GOD’S ORIGINAL INTENTION for each person He leads me to…

I WANT TO DISCERN THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF HIS PRESENCE IN THE SEWERS THE WAY I DO IN THE SANCTUARY…

With my spiritual senses, I want to smell the fragrance of glory in the stenches of fractured humanity. I want to harken the sound of glory, in the everyday murkiness of life…far above the din of the dirt that surrounds our lives - above the clutter of the commute, the murmurings of the mess and misery that often eclipses our broken society.

But the liberating thing is that this doesn’t mean I approach everyone!! Jesus didn’t - He could’ve healed everyone at that pool...but He focused on the one that God was showing Him. I found such freedom in this over the summer as I wrestled through my customary convo with Jesus as I passed the homeless on the street...encountered the desperate on my commute.  Oh lord I should give to her...or oh lord I need to give to her… Oh lord I didn’t give anything to them - that doesn’t make me much of a Christian does it? Blah blah blah. I was going through one of these very conversations with God one Saturday evening as I rushed through the hustle and bustle of the West End. I’d find myself grappling with my soul every time I passed someone who was in need.

Suddenly in the midst of the frenzied Central London shopping hub, before I even knew what I was doing I saw a woman sitting on the floor outside the station, so skinny, so washed out and fragile. I reached into my purse and grabbed some money for her. I didn’t have a conversation with God or feel guilt - I just felt His nudge and I responded. Suddenly I realised this was the announcement of God’s glory and my spirit man had heard it. Above the din of our busy lives, above the distractions of my own flesh, above the circumstances before me, He announced He was about to move and my spirit recognised it. It was organic. It was natural. It was liberating. It was Him.

The next day I encountered a similar situation as I finished church on the hottest day of the year and found myself passing a homeless man on the street. Again my customary conversation ensued with me asking God why I didn’t give anything to Him. He had a phone though Lord, so He does have money right? I was asking. Suddenly a man walked past me and I stopped him before I’d even thought twice. He was clearly homeless. I could smell the strong scent of someone who hasn’t washed for the longest time. I wondered if he was hungry. I asked him if I’m ould buy him a sandwich. He declined but asked me why I offered him a sandwich. Unsure what to say I hesitated. He added that he’s not homeless and has everything he needs. 

‘He then shared that he understood why I’d asked him. He said it’s because he’s skinny right? Relieved that I hadn’t offended him I smiled and said...yes it’s because you look like you need feeding. We ended up getting into the most beautiful conversation ever. This man was amazing. He knew the Lord. His knowledge of the Bible and his reverence for God literally brought tears to my eyes. His passion for music and His pursuit of holiness despite being on the streets, despite addictions to vices and despite a history of brokenness was so extraordinarily humbling. What a privilege to meet Him.

We ended up praying together on the street stood at the traffic lights, on the hottest day of the year and though it was blazing hot, though I could still smell the pungent smell that accompanied my friend...still the fragrance of God’s glory enveloped us. I experienced God’s majesty and unrivalled beauty so gloriously in that encounter that it filled my heart with joy to have met this wonderful man and to have experienced facets of God’s nature and splendoour that could only ever have been on display through this precious man, through his dark, broken circumstances, in this divine moment. A moment that I someone sensed in the spirit and responded to. Oh my gosh what fun. What adventure. What beauty. 

Yet none of us can take the credit for any of this.

‘We are like common clay jars that carry this glorious treasure within, so that the extraordinary overflow of power will be seen as God’s, not ours’. 2 Corinthians 4:6

It is ridiculous to think we could do any of this in our own strength – how can we ever be the answer to a world of brokenness for we too in our humanity are totally broken – this world’s too jacked up to ever have a human solution – yet our God-given compassion in the most dire circumstances reveals God’s glory in unfathomable ways. Even when it’s overwhelming and the situation seems impossible…

I love how He often chooses to reveal His glory in ways which don’t equate to the problem seemingly being completely,solved...you know, wars stopping, and famine being eradicated, drug abuse disappearing and poverty being eliminated.  The truth is that it so often looks like Jesus moving into the neighbourhood through us, coming amongst the brokenness of humanity, the poverty, the rape, the genocide, the addictions, the persecution, weeping with the broken, kneeling amongst the wounded and mourning with the marginalised…ministering to the enslaved…

Sometimes we pray for the quickest, simplest, solution to show up to the brokenness in our lives so that the problems can just disappear. When I’m involved in the Nightclub ministry of Club Angels I often pray that Gos would shut the club down and use the building for godly purposes, and I’m sure that could absolutely happen. Yet the way that divine glory often chooses to reveal itself in this nightclub month after month isn’t by shutting the club down or turning everyone’s hearts to repentance in a split second, but Glory kneels down and wipes away a drunk girls vomit while lovingly covering her immodesty. Glory helps a confused, inebriated boy get home safely after cheating on his girlfriend. Glory holds hands with a hard hearted, drunken clubber, as their heart softens with a broken clubber and prays with them to help them deal with the bereavement they are secretly dealing with.

Glory is revealed in the inconvenient, ugly, sinful, broken places of this fragile, jacked up world. It would obviously be far neater, easier, more comfortable and less awkward if it wasn’t. But then we’d never have had Calvary, for this is the greatest example of unconventional beauty, majesty, splendour and glory found in the ugly places of broken humanity. And as long as we are willing to be found in the darkness, gazing in wonder and awe at His beautiful face...then He will have permission to dazzle His glory through us...brilliantly displaying His glory in the dirty places of our fragile humanity. 

‘But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.’ 2 Corinthians 4:7

Not merely in the words you say,

Not only in your deeds confessed.

But in the most unconscious way

Is Christ expressed.

Is it a beatific smile?

A holy light upon your brow?

Oh no! I felt His presence

When you laughed just now.

To me, ’twas not the truth you taught,

To you so clear, to me still dim.

But when you came you brought

A sense of Him.

And from your eyes He beckons me,

And from your heart His love is shed,

Till I lose sight of you and see

The Christ instead.

- John Stott

Let’s Get Real About Sacred Sexuality

Recently I found myself surrounded by a vivacious panel of hotties for God TV’s Let’s Get Real Show. No question was off limits as we discussed my book Sacred Sexuality. Roars of slightly cringe laughter erupted when one of them asked me if sex toys were allowed. Lol. Errrr okay then. I had no problem answering their question although they were quite giggly asking them.  Smiles. Given that I’m a trained secondary school teacher, there were definitely times that I wanted this mature but super fun bunch of babes to take the topic more seriously and ‘remain on task’ ha, yet our conversational dynamics, the individual reactions and the slight awkwardness, no doubt was indicative of the general reaction of a TV viewing audience right?

And just as the panel got into a flow after a while and there was more freedom and healthy understanding of Sexuality as the conversation continued, so too I believe a generational freedom regarding sexuality and a healthy, biblical understanding of Sexuality will also begin to be established amongst our world, the more we talk about sexuality with holy liberty.

And though I could tell it was certainly awkward for some and totally cool for others, I was super grateful for the exposure and I totally appreciated the opportunity to talk about the subject to a wider audience. I love that God TV are wanting to tackle issues such as sexuality and I rate their willingness to get a dialogue going!

If you fancy watching the segment I show up around the half way spot in the programme! One of many programme in the series, do also check out the rest of the Let’s Get Real series on God.tv, tackling many other very ‘real’ issues that we all face in our worlds!

Muzzled But Never Muted...

We are living in tender times. Mild I guess, compared to many other nations yet madness compared to the days we have previously known. It's crazy that we find ourselves hemmed in by political correctness so ludicrous, that you can now literally be arrested if your opinion hurts someone's feelings or you simply think in a different way. Free speech is most certainly a thing of the past. We instead find ourselves at the mercy of crooked laws being so deceptively executed in order to muzzle the voice of truth and to violently unleash the poisonous din of extreme liberalism.  No doubt it won't be long before a book such as my recently published Sacred Sexuality will be banned, the Bible will find itself on seriously shaky ground and expressing an opinion that doesn't line up with liberal ideologies will invariably render you behind bars before you can even utter the words "freedom of speech."

It's not surprising then that there has been a recent outcry with the people of this nation and across the pond waking up and demanding their voice back. People are becoming acutely aware that there is something so dysfunctional and perverse occurring in our western world right now, which somehow gives certain people the privilege to have a voice and a right to live as they choose even if they are deceived, armed, dangerous or destructive whilst others (much like many minorities have long experienced in other parts of the world) are being left vulnerable, their voices silenced, they are being cornered, intimidated and persecuted. 

Following political activist Tommy Robinson's horrific recent arrest where on YouTube I watched his freedom so perversely violated and unfairly snatched away from him with sheer disbelief, I am aware that things will only get worse. To consider that this freedom fighter whom I rate tremdendously is doing thirteen months in jail for apparent court of contempt, without even being allowed a trial and being unfairly punished with a prison sentence that he is unlikely to make through alive, is complete injustice. It's truly heartbreaking. I weep at the thought of it.  

To think that he is deemed a racist and a bigot simply because he has the balls to speak up against the extreme islamisation of the UK where very few people would have the courage to. When he was arrested he was reporting on an ongoing eperdemic of mainly Pakistani grooming gangs - responsible for grooming and raping thousands of white girls over the last thirty years. An eperdemic that the police has predominately ignored, failing thousands of children and families because they have unfortunately lacked the courage and conviction to confront the communities responsible for these hideous crimes, for fear of being labelled racists. How insanely heartbreaking. 

Likewise, an elderly preacher in his seventies I heard about recently being arrested in Ireland for preaching a sermon about radical Islam is a sign of the times. Whaaaat?  I mean to think that radical islamists are getting away with murder in this nation. Like literally. And we are not allowed to say diddly squat about it. Luton amongst other areas in the U.K. is swarming with terrorists, known to the police and on government watch lists yet they are seemingly being allowed entry into this country after completing their Jihadist training without anyone batting an eyelid - but then you hear about innocent foreigners being arrested, imprisoned and banned from the UK when they try and visit this nation to delve into this issue or try to speak up against the casualties of political correctness gone mad. How do these double standards work? I mean it's all actually nuts.

It's also crazy to consider that we are living in a time where you have to be eighteen years old to vote but a four year old can decide they don't want to be their assigned gender. At an age where you don't even know what your surname is, you can choose to undergo life altering transitional surgery that will impact every single area of your existence including your psyche, your identity, your relationships, your sexuality and your ability to reproduce, to name but a few things - yet a teacher can get sacked because she isn't allowed the right to hold onto her own conviction and refrain from calling that child by their new adopted gender if it goes against her own beliefs. Seriously? Seemingly only liberals are being granted freedom of choice.  We are literally living in a time where you are only allowed to have one opinion and if your opinion doesn't line up with it you will be penalised and punished. 

I am increasingly discovering that many a time it will in fact be a Christian view which will be sacrificed in order to exercise the rights of a liberal view.  It is clear to see that as Christians we simply won't be allowed to hold our Christian ideologies much longer. A person of any faith should have the right to believe what they believe as long as they don't enforce their view on others and as long as they walk in love, right? Yet in this nation this is no longer a privilege enjoyed by people of faith. Especially for Christians it seems. I'm sure many would beg to differ. Many may consider there to be plenty of religious tolerance. Others may consider their own religious group the most persecuted and untolerated and deem other faiths as having far too much tolerance.  In my own personal experience Conservative Christianity can often be perceived as right wing extremism and untolerated by much of society. In fact I believe many even hold Christianity directly responsible for the world's problems.

I guess it's one of the reasons that our nation has long discarded its Christian heritage.  Yet this is where I believe our nation actually started losing its identity and it's balls frankly - when it gave up its Judeo-Christian values.  I desperately wish the UK had been proud to hold onto its Christian heritage and not discarded it as outdated and exclusive. Instead in the name of inclusivity, God was taken out of the schools, universities, hospitals and culture, the Bible was removed from all public places and a big fat spiritual vacuum ensued. Rather than inviting multinational cultures who came to the UK to hold their own values and enjoy their own faiths but to honour and respect the cultural and spiritual heritage of the land we instead accommodated every other faith apart from our own.

As a result I believe true British values that should be unapologetically and boldly upheld have been discarded in the name of political correctness and tolerance and the Christian voice and biblical values now hold very little significance. Cultures that have stronger convictions have taken ground and we as a nation devoid of spiritual backbone have simply stood by and watched.  The church hasn't done enough to speak up; Christians are now persecuted and biblical ideologies are literally being wiped out. Not just in the UK but across the nations.

For example in the state of California there is currently a push for immediate laws to be passed for all literature in any way opposing a LBGTQ lifestyle to be banned (including the Bible). Additionally if the bill is passed the law would prevent anyone from counselling someone who willingly desires to leave a homosexual lifestyle. Breaking these laws would lead to prosecution. How can this be? It is madness. Absolute madness.  Please don't misunderstand me. This does not mean that I do not love and value people who are practising a homosexual lifestyle or those who may identify as transgender.  This is most certainly not the case. I absolutely want to love all people no matter what their sexual orientation or behaviour may be. The same way someone can hopefully love me despite my sexual choices, my behaviour or my religious views.

Because you see I believe that ultimately we have all been created in the image of God, with free will - and none of us should be forced to sacrifice our belief systems to appease another's. We certainly should never be forced or bullied to change our convictions for the sake of political correctness. I know gay people that would be horrified to think that people are being persecuted for not holding the same beliefs as them. Similarly I would never dream of forcing a gay person to silence their homosexual beliefs and command them by law to accept the views of a Christian. It's a choice that comes from the heart. It's a conviction, not something you bully someone into.

Yet in this day and age expressing thoughts such as these will have you labelled as a bigot or a racist. Yet I know that I have the love of God within me and I am not seeking to hurt in any way. I also do not for even one minute consider myself to be racist simply because I'm speaking up about radical Islam. In fact I am so aware that there are thousands of peace loving Muslims who are equally as outraged about the terror and destruction caused by radical Islam. My own sister is one. In the same way, my comments about the deliberate failure of our authorities to deal with predominantly Pakistani grooming gangs are not in any way intended to be racist or judgemental. Rather it breaks my heart that our police have felt too intimidated to confront the culprits because of fear of backlash.

And though I know my thoughts come from a place of compassion, righteous indignation and desire for integrity, freedom and peace I am quite aware that we are approaching a time where personal opinion expressed in this blog on such matters, will simply no longer be acceptable.  The truth is that the belief system that I live by as a believer in Jesus Christ is so far removed from the humanist, secular, liberal and pretty much satanic ideology that we are continuously having shoved down our throats in the name of political correctness. I am increasingly finding that the liberty of a secular society is being demanded at the expense of my freedom as a Christian. Sad sad times.

Yet frustrations and human rights aside, how am I to respond as a Christian? Not as a citizen of Britain, or a human being. But as a believer in Christ who has long died to my own rights and is now a new creation who is called to live by the law of love, to be a law abiding citizen, honour those in authority, pray for kings and leaders and to be a peacemaker. As someone who is aware that ultimately this is a spiritual battle and not a political one. I have certainly wrestled with this question massively in the last few years or so as the bubbling persecution which is undeniably imminent is beginning to take its place in a land that I've grown up always associating the statement "it's a free country innit" with. This is no longer the case though. Still, as a Christian I am aware that this very state of affairs is what the Bible speaks of concerning the last days. And this is merely the tip of the iceberg.

Yet I also know this - that no matter what laws may come in, no matter what changes may happen in society and no matter how liberal we may become I know I am not governed by the precepts of this realm. I am free. I am free indeed. Whether my voice or my rights or possessions are taken away from me, I am eternally free. If I were chained on the outside, enslaved in the natural, with mouth and opinion muzzled, still my song of freedom cannot be silenced and the liberty on the inside of me cannot be shaken, taken or broken. All my Bibles could be burned or taken away and I would remain a living epistle. My opinions could be silenced and my perspective shut down yet the God on the inside of me would shine brighter still. 

Even with this divine comfort and hopeful assurance still I have been prayerfully contemplating my position as a Christian in these tender times - what should my stance be in this ever intensifying fight amongst the people of our generation to have their voice returned to them - in this pursuit for many including myself, to sustain the legacy of our land, as a nation built upon Judeo Christian values? Do I stay silent? Do I march along? Do I fight back? Do I rebel? As a Christian - one who is in the world but not of this world I most certainly believe I have a crucial role to play.  It is not to rant and rave or criticise and judge. It is certainly not be be passive, mind my own business and bury my head in the sand whilst all this is going on.  It is not to be a political activist. On the contrary it's to be a spiritual activist. To pray like never before. It's to cry out for mercy over our land. It is to petition heaven for true freedom to become substance in our society. It is to make my voice heard in the courts of heaven. 

You see even if I let society silence my voice I simply refuse to be a silent bystander in the realm of the spirit. I refuse to be on mute in the only place where my voice can truly make a difference. Because I absolutely want to see truth, righteousness, purity and love prevail in this world. In the face of political correctness I want to see integrity arise. And out of that place of connection with heaven's solutions I want to march side by side with those who are fighting a worthy cause as they protest for freedom of speech and I want to come alongside this national outcry for liberty and bringing tears of compassion and secret place travailing I want to release heavens ethos and Kingdom culture into the atmosphere, with every marching step we take together so that an explosion of hope and freedom of an eternal kind would be released afresh into our temporary and passing world.

I don't want to demonise or criticise the leaders of our land but I want to pray for them, weep for them and cry out for wisdom and mercy for them. I want to pray for courage for our police and authorities and conviction for our government. I want to declare God's very best over the nations. I don't want to be sedated by the lies of the mass media but I want to champion a culture of honouring, love-drenched arts and entertainment that comes in the opposite spirit to the deception, lies and slander infiltrating our society and instead releases hope, joy and peace.

I don't want to point a finger at precious muslims seeking an encounter with God longing to peace and wholeness - I want to pray for them. I want to also lament and cry out for the salvation of every Islamic terrorist on earth, interceding on their behalf that they would come to know the truth. That they are worthy, loved and created for life, not death. I want to pray for the girls who have been raped by the thousands, by grooming gangs and weep for their justice, yet I want to be standing in the gap for the perpetrators to come to know the truth of God's love. 

I want to be a pillar of hope in a hopeless society that surveys all that's going on around it as the poo hits the fan and wonders if things will ever improve. I want to be there to speak love, unity and life when hatred, division and prejudice threatens to intimidate, paralyse and break down. I want to be a joy bomb when doom seems to be drawing ever close. I want to be a voice of love even when everything else fails. I want to pray tide-turning prayers and make nation changing declarations. I want to be a history maker. I want to be in the midst of it all, releasing a fresh statement of love and redemption - with all that I am.

Therefore I am compelled as a child of God to find my voice like never before. In these turbulent times when free speech is being silenced, if truth be told I simply cannot afford to lose my voice. For it is my voice that is shaping my world. My words are creating and shaping the culture around me. They are releasing heaven on earth. For I truly believe that heaven on earth is the only hope we have. So in these tender times when our speech is no longer free and our opinions will soon be muzzled, I know in my heart that even if the whole world would command that I be silenced, it will quite simply be impossible. For the truth, the way and the life of Christ's love within me, can never be muted. x

*This blog post is dedicated to Tommy Robinson, who's safety and freedom I continue to pray for as he remains in prison serving a thirteen month sentence. Though I do not agree with everything he stands for but I respect him massively and my heart goes out to him. I sincerely pray that he would be released without delay and he would come to know the unconditional, overwhelming love of God.

Woman To Woman

This week I had a super cool chat with Maria Rodrigues on the Woman to Woman show with Premier Christian Radio. Getting into the nitty gritty of sex, dating and a little bit of my story of finding the living Saviour at the age of twelve amidst a world of stone idols, rituals and religion.

Loved chatting to Maria. She is such a super cool interviewer. Invested and attentive and super easy to chat to on and off air. Thanks so much for having me Premier Radio!!!

To listen to the show feel free to head over to: https://www.premierchristianradio.com/Shows/Weekday/Woman-to-Woman/Interviews/Former-Hindu-speaks-about-celibacy

TBN Meets Meeee???...Whaaaat?!

I had the delight and pleasure of being featured on two shows with TBN this week! What a blast! Not only were they up for telling everyone about my recently published book Sacred Sexuality but they totally asked if we could film another show to share some of my story! What an honour!!!

I adored the family vibe on set. I loved how they were so invested and without any agenda but to share as much as they could with their audience, as authentically as they could.

I loved the love and maturity Zania Schoeman radiated! How she was so easy to chat to and so chilled. I loved that she’d read my story and was so interested in it! I loved how I was able to pray for people on air and how strongly I could feel the love of God as we prayed! I also loved how the production team watched both the interviews while they were recorded and came by straight after to ask questions about sexuality that aren’t usually talked about in the church. Complex issues that pound upon the doors of our daily worlds but rarely discussed. It was so encouraging to have honest conversation about Sex, God, Transgender struggles and homosexuality with these precious ones. And the lovely Zania Schoeman making me feel totally at home!

Hands down my best recording experience so far! If you’ve got some time, feel free to have a butchers at me lil two parter of TBN Meets!!!💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻. Watch Part 1. Watch Part 2.

God's Marvelous Love: May It Never Cease To Amaze Us

Image credit: Pinterest

God's marvelous love encountered me so beautifully, when I took Communion this morning. As I reminded myself that my life is built upon the power of Christ's death and resurrection, no matter my circumstances or my emotions. I took the elements and meditated on who Christ is, and on what He has done for me. And then suddenly to my delight, I got deliciously hammered by God's goodness and His flawless, perfect love.

Wow! What a price Jesus paid on the cross, when He shed His blood for us. All so that we could have a relationship with Father God. This wrecks me. I am filled with fresh amazement and awestruck wonder at the scandal of being in a heart-to-heart relationship with the most important, most transcendent, most powerful, wisest, most loving, kindest, most beautiful, most significant Being that could ever exist. 

I mean how can this even be? That we, mere human beings, so intricately flawed, dysfunctional, insignificant, selfish and broken - could be in an intimate relationship with GOD Almighty? And not just as distant acquaintances, but in a profoundly mutual "knowing" that reaches the very depth of our being.

Boldly Permitted To Approach God's Throne

How can we have been invited into such an irrevocable adoption, as sons and daughters of God? Fully accepted? Unconditionally loved? Eternally embraced? And boldly permitted to approach the Father's throne, day or night, whether we be clean or dirty, righteous or unrighteousness...pure or impure? And how can we be called friends of God? Friends of God? OF GOD??!!!! Like whaaaatttt??? Seriously, how is this lofty, inconceivable privilege our reality?

Yet this is our reality. And it is all made miraculously possible and accessible because of the blood shed by God's Son Jesus, who is the only complete representation of God. Through Him and Him alone, we get to meet God, we get to know Him and we get to see Him. We get to be in unhindered, love-drenched relationship with God. This is wild. God's love is SO SO wild It's a love that's so scandalous. It's actually quite ridiculous. So inconceivably undeserved.

God's Marvelous Love Revealed

To thin that God Almighty, who is LOVE personified, would send His own precious, perfect Son to demonstrate the fullness of His Father's love, by dying for an unlovable, sinful world - by becoming the very Lamb of God, the perfect sacrifice for an imperfect world. And in doing so, the Father's love would be revealed.

And then, those that would accept this gift of extravagant love - this very torturous crucifixion, the sacrificial breaking of the body of the Son of God - carried out on their behalf - would then become the very body of Christ - the Bride of Christ - who the Father would then lovingly prepare, with great care and delight, to present to His Son, in divine marriage. His beautiful, beautiful Son Jesus.

Jesus. Glorious One. Oh so so dazzling is His nature. Beautiful is His fragrant aroma, Flawless is His character and irresistible is He personality. Who could resist Him? His incredible nature causes the body of Christ - His bride - to literally adore Him, to be lovestruck. Enamoured forevermore. Ever so besotted with Him.

A Love So Wild

And the whole while, we are falling in love with Jesus, we are seeing more of God's marvelous love revealed. And this is what floats our Heavenly Father's boat I reckon - having His creation receive revelation of His nature, by falling in love with His Son. Yet, only made possible because God loved us first and sent His Son to die in our place, to save us from perishing and to bring us into an intimate relationship with Him. So that we could know Him.

This is crazy. It's the most scandalous, inconceivable, almost ridiculous demonstration of love that could ever exist. And yet, we are the recipients of it. Recipients of this eternal love-jackpot, which is so beyond our merit, our understanding and even beyond our capacity to reciprocate this love. But reciprocate we must. For how could we not? How could we ever take lightly such a love? How could we ever fail to lavishly respond to a love so wild? A love so free? One that is totally unconditional? And so undeserved?

Yet this is the extravagant love, that we were all created for. It's truly God's marvelous love that has been lavished upon us. It's a divine, unfathomable, glorious love that now defines us. Shapes us. Completes us. And it renders us utterly wrecked, in the most delicious way...for all of our days.

x

B R A V E H E A R T

I found myself being braver than ever last night.  Invited by the gorgeous Georgia Coy to share at Balham Vineyard’s Brave Talk Event. I risked unveiling more of myself than I had ever thought I could. Yet with every passing day, I am compelled to be the most transparent I can be...for in Truth I find my freedom. And in my petrifying yet liberating nakedness I am assured that others will be unshackled to find their own freedom too. 

Sacred Sexuality...The Road To True Intimacy...

Wow! What an incredible journey. Publishing my new book has been one of the hardest, yet one of the easiest things I've ever done. It's been an incredible adventure...one that has I guess always been there brewing on the inside yet has equally somehow suddenly just crept up on me. This message of purity has been so pivotal for me. One that I hold dear. One that I have personally lived and conquered and a message that I know is both powerful and liberating. Yet for the longest time I figured it was a truth that radically broke my own chains but one that would possibly never be used to break the chains off others. The reason that I thought this was because my testimony and the message of purity as personal, precious and powerful as it was to me, simply wasn't being used in my life. In fact for the longest seasons it lay dormant.

Years would go by and aside from praying and ministering to my students in the past or having one to one's with people I knew, those around me didn't have a clue about the life I once used to live. I had become such a new creation...transformed...so made new, that people had no idea about my past. No idea about all that God had delivered me from. And though I would ponder if God was ever going to use my testimony to set others free I was having so much fun pursuing God and His kingdom that I just left it in His hands and enjoyed the adventure of all the other discoveries He was leading me into. I genuinely knew in my heart that it was an issue of divine timing and if God wanted me to share my testimony and share the message of empowering purity, at the right time, I would.

I recall Easter 2011, when my pastor asked me to share why the Easter message was so important to me. For the first time in years I shared a bit of my testimony. I shared how I used to live a debauched, hedonistic, broken life, driven by manipulation, alcohol, drugs and promiscuity. How I was a prisoner of my own sin and enslaved to evil...but that Christ had radically set me free and given me new life. Not long after, that I penned my testimony in a spoken word piece and filmed it. The lid on the message I was carrying had opened a little, yet other areas of my calling beckoned and I focused on my fashion label and other creative pursuits. I came to discover during that season that empowering purity was a core life value I lived for, though it was still only brewing below the surface and not seemingly bearing fruit on the outside. All the while I stayed hidden in the secret place, content that my life was in the hands of God and He would lead me in every area of my life. 

In 2015 I went through a sifting that was deeply painful yet deliciously liberating. God showed me that He had called me to be wild, untamed, bold and someone that was truly Living in Light. He revealed that I had allowed myself to be tamed by religion and in the name of humility I had let the wild, fearless side of me die - and that was totally not who I was. In the name of protocol and driven by people pleasing I had feared what man thought of me. I had allowed a lid to be placed on me. What a wake up call. Literally chains of false humility, religion and fear of man began to drop off and the boldness I had once known in the world - which had now been sanctified and redeemed for the Kingdom - kicked in unapologetically. God showed me that in my pursuit of laying low, dying to self and pursuing humility I had been waiting for God open doors for me when God had been waiting for me to govern in the places He had already given me. Haaaa!

He showed me every sphere of influence He had already given me - and told me to step out in authority and start governing in those places (instead of waiting for Him to open new doors). He asked me what was in my hand. I considered the resources, gifting and places of influence that were already in my hand, that I had failed to step out in, under the impression that God still needed to give me permission, when in fact I had already been given all the permission I needed; I just needed boldness to unapologetically boss those places for the kingdom. I instantly began to rise up and truly lead without apology in the areas that He had already granted me, with a new sense of authority and confidence. 

And then I realised something. The area that was in my hand which I hadn't stepped out in at all was empowering purity.  I hadn't exercised the authority I had in that area. I hadn't poured out at all in that area even though there were so many people who could eat the fruit of it, in my sphere of influence. This was particularly highlighted one day when I was at church and one of the young guys on team was showing me something on his phone. I caught a glimpse of the last search in the google bar - it was: how to deal with sexual lust. My heart broke. That was it. The journey began. I asked my Pastor if I could teach the young adults at my church about sexual purity after service one day. Because my Pastor is so deliciously bad ass he insisted that rather than after a church service, I would take a Sunday service and preach it to the whole congregation.  Bricking it, I agreed.

I had no idea what a catalyst that Sunday would be. The joy and freedom that broke out after I preached my sermon was electrifying. The stories and disclosures that ensued were heartbreaking. Slowly it dawned on me: I knew empowering purity was a message the world needed - Yet I had simply had no idea about how desperately the church was also in need of this message.  As I listened to people's stories and become exposed all the more to places of sexual brokenness in the body of Christ, God began to show me that this wasn't just a Sex issue - it was a Sexuality issue. So I found myself deliciously delving into the wider issue of Sexuality from a Biblical perspective.  

As I continued to explore God's design for sexuality in the Bible I made an amazing discovery which took me by complete surprise.  You see, I discovered just how incredible sex could be when enjoyed God's way! Suddenly my understanding of the subject changed gears. It was no longer a case of all the stuff you needed to avoid if you wanted to follow God's design for sex in marriage - the spotlight was now on all the glorious pleasure you could totally tap into if you pursued sex God's way.  It was about all the incredible, incomparable benefits that were available to those that follow God's design for sex!  

What ensued, was a six month workshop called Sacred Sexuality and I was humbled by the support and vulnerable participation from people young and old, married and single, broken and whole. A few months before I began to deliver these workshops I felt God impress upon my heart that I needed to write a book on the subject. He gave me a clear strategy of how to do it. By God's leading, I wrote the first draft in a month. As I penned this first draft and prepared to deliver the first workshop I felt the wind of heaven undergirding the entire process. I asked God out of curiosity, why now? Why was it that the time was so right now Papa? Why, when I had carried this message for thirteen years was it only being shared now?  He lovingly responded that it was only now that I was qualified to bring such a message to this generation.

He showed me that it was only now that I had a true understanding of love - His delicious, unconditional, covenant love - a fiery, reckless, overwhelming love, which I had spent the last thirteen years hidden in, enjoying, experiencing and abiding in - it was only now that I could teach His creation about sexuality. You see sexuality ultimately is about intimacy.  He explained that the reason He couldn't allow me to teach about sexuality a day sooner was because I needed to first understand that the purpose of Sexuality is rooted in our God-wired need for intimacy.  It's not a purity thing, or a holiness thing...it's a love thing. An intimacy thing. And our drive for intimacy is rooted in our need for connection first and foremost with God - because that is what we were created for...we were created for love - by God, in God, with God.  We were created for the highest, sweetest, most satisfying love ever in a relationship with Him and with others.  

My message had found its heartbeat. It was no longer just about Sex or Sexuality - the heart of the book ultimately was intimacy. The book became an amalgamation of biblical principles, personal experiences, scientific references, practical strategies, prayers and spiritual processes that I had journeyed through in order to get to this place of truly understanding that sexuality is rooted in intimacy and true intimacy can only be found in God. It became a step by step, going to the roots, holistic offering of understanding sexuality from heaven's perspective and rewiring the way that we approach sexuality - away from counterfeit versions of intimacy, towards the source and designer of intimacy. The only one who can satisfy our thirst for connection - and the only one who can teach us how to experience love and connection in the most fulfilling way possible.

And so Sacred Sexuality - Rewire Your Desire Towards True Intimacy was birthed. Yay God!  A labour of love in more ways than one. A bearing of my soul and an irrevocable exposure of my inners. I desperately hope and pray I have written a God-breathed, heaven kissed book that will radically change lives the way my own life has been transformed - in the most delightful way. I feel God's well done all over it so I am overjoyed to have completed this assignment. It has been a sheer delight...during the mountain tops and valley lows I have felt the grace of God on this book like I have felt it on nothing else. The favour on it has been off the charts and the book launch event was beyond my wildest dreams... but you'll maybe hear all about that in a future blog...for now though...the book is available to buy. I sincerely hope it blesses your sock off and bears ridiculous fruit in your lives!

In His love. x