Flying Lessons

 

image.jpg

I'm quite embarrassed to say, but on my way to Marbella I almost missed my flight. Yep. Craziness galore. See, I stupidly decided to get a coach to Gatwick rather than a train thinking I could chillax and totally catch up on all my admin on route to the airport. I'd done this coach to Gatwick before and it'd been a doddle and so I wasn't expecting any different. It would be totally fine!!! But alas I hadn't taken into consideration that my flight to Marbella was on a Friday afternoon, that it was raining cats and dogs...traffic was mayhem and my coach would end up leaving 45 minutes behind schedule!

At the beginning though, I wasn't even concerned. Bianca was gonna meet me at Gatwick and although I was gonna be an hour late I'd still be cool right??? It just meant we couldn't jam at the airport together, but we'd still get our flight and then all the joy and excitement of this amazing birthday treat of a holiday in sunny Marbella could begin!! YES!!!  Come 2.45pm though, anxiety began to kick in. I was definitely going to be more than an hour late. I prayed that we'd soon get on the M23 and I'd still be okay to go through boarding at 3.30. I assured Bianca I'd see her soon.

I started praying in tongues. Very quickly I began to feel Gods presence. The clock approached 3pm. I was more than twelve miles away from Gatwick and stuck in traffic. Boarding for our flight would begin in thirty minutes...and close in fifty. I spoke to Bianca again. She shared with me that security was a super loooooong process because of course everything was hand luggage only, liquids needed to be put in one clear bag...anything over 100ml had to go. Suddenly visions of my suitcase being literally filled with toiletries a tad bigger than 100ml, began to fill my mind. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. How could I have forgotten that hand luggage only flights, meant a liquid limitation. Oh nooooo!!  Epic Bobbi booboo! Eek!!! How would I now get all of them into a plastic bag the size of a freezer bag?? How much stuff would I need to throw away? What would I do without my toiletries in Marbella? How would I get any of my toiletries sorted before I entered security for this flight. Was I even going to make this flight? Still praying in the spirit, I started sorting through my make up case and separating my liquids.

Holy Gamoly. I looked at the clock.  Approaching 3.15pm. I continued praying in tongues. It was actually pretty impossible in the natural. I needed a miracle that's for sure. Yet I couldn't afford to think that I was going to miss my flight. I focused on Jesus. On the goodness of the Father. I magnified His kindness. His love. His power. His capabilities.  The coach suddenly began to move. The traffic cleared and the coach instantly picked up speed. I thanked God, feeling properly encouraged. I kept looking at the clock yet refused to focus on the natural. I'd been listening to sermons all week about magnifying God. What I give my attention to I magnify (thanks Pastor Steve Furtick!!). I praised God for the deposit of fresh faith that had been made in my soul ahead of this battle. God in His infinite wisdom knew I would require fresh ammunition to fight with, for this slight glitch in the matrix, because as I sat there in that coach everything in my flesh wanted to cry out "this is surely impossible!!" In fact at one point I did say that. Yet the Word that I had been feeding myself with that week was welling up within me. It rose up and exploded out of my soul. I rejected every voice that tried to instil fear in me. I resolved that I would not give attention to my seemingly impossible circumstances. Instead I would continue to totally magnify God. I would give Him all my attention. I would focus on His ability to get me to the airport with His supernatural intervention.

Still I found myself momentarily considering the ridiculousness of me missing this flight. I mean this was a birthday present for my 40th! My church fam was sending me on this holiday. Bianca my bestie was coming with me. SOOOOO much had been invested into this trip. There's simply no way God was going lavish me with such amazing love only for me to get this far and then me totally miss the blessing. He simply would not allow that, right???!! He was a good father. A good good GOOD Father. Simply too much had been poured into and sacrificed for this trip. There's no way our beautiful God would want this to be stolen after all that had been given into this. As I prayed in the spirit I could feel the Holy Spirit so strong. He was praying through me. I knew God was right here interceding for me. I prayed harder.

Definitely didn't care what I looked like doing my Shaba on the coach. On the contrary a Holy Ghost swag enveloped me. You're MOST welcome I thought to myself, as I looked around at the passengers on the coach, oblivious that God was fighting for them!! See I knew the truth of what was taking place. The people on the coach obviously had no idea of the power and breakthrough that speaking in tongues was releasing over the situation. Without God, all they could do was worry and make provision for the worst. Yet if it wasn't for God intervening all of us would miss the flight. I continued praying like crazy. I reminded God that I was believing Him for the sick to be healed and the dead to rise. Surely catching a flight was a minor miracle right Father???

As it hit 3.30pm and we were miraculously approaching Gatwick...knowing I had less than twenty minutes until boarding for my flight closed I could do nothing but pray like crazy whilst frantically running through to security like a nutter. I literally threw my suitcase on the floor, quickly unzipping it and I began pulling out all my toiletries. Bottles were flying all over the gaff as I tried to determine what to keep and what to get rid of. Fifteen minutes now left til the boarding closed. After far too long flaffing around like a moron I decided to just bin every single one of the toiletries that were remotely suspect and then I literally catapulted through to security. Flinging all my possessions onto the steel tables connected to the conveyor belts I tried to stay calm. I was actually shaking I think. Help meeeeee Jesus. Nine minutes til my gate closes. I endeavoured to call Bianca whilst filling the grey plastic trays with my pathetic remnant of toiletries, throwing my jacket off, pulling my electronics out and trying not to panic. But then a security officer reprimanded me for being in the phone and although I tried to explain why I needed to make this call I realised my words were jumbled. I gave up my attempt to call her and rushed through the scanners praying that no liquids were left in my case.

My heart was in my mouth. Hopefully security would have no reason to stop me or stop my case right?! Five minutes till my boarding gate closed. I quickly approached a woman officer as I waited for my stuff to appear and heart racing like crazy asked her what happens when you only have four minutes til boarding closes? Can you possibly call them and tell them I'm on my way??? I asked. She looked at me with sympathy but then shook her head. Sorry, no can do. She explained. Oh I see. I tried to stay calm.  She then kindly proceeded to advice me on a short cut to departures. Nodding profusely, heart still in my mouth I suddenly saw my stuff coming through the scanner seemingly without any problems. Thank you Jesus!! Three minutes til boarding closes. I thanked the woman, grabbed my bag and bits and literally ran to departures the way she had advised me. My phone rang. It was Bianca asking me where I am. About to dive in the lift I explained. I ran into it, waiting to go down to departures. Short of breath I frantically asked Bianca if I was going to miss the flight? To my amazement she said no!!! What??! Wow! Seriously? That was an incredible relief! Come quickly she said though - I'm at the boarding gate. Big sigh. Wow!!!! THANK YOUUUUUU Jesus!!! I can't actually believe it. I couldn't believe the gate hadn't even closed. Yet I absolutely could believe it because God is soooo good!! I was so thankful. So relieved. Yayeeee!! I hadn't missed boarding for my flight. I still had a few minutes.

Unable to contain my gratitude and joyful relief I got off the phone and turned to the passengers in the lift. It was jam packed and I addressed everyone excitedly!! Yay!! I'm not going to miss my flight I happily shouted!! Happy dance. They stared at me blankly! Clearly unmoved. You see I thought I was going to miss my flight but I'm not going to now, I added awkwardly. Followed by a feeble....Yay!! Errrr, still no expression. Not even a smile. Fine!! You clearly don't care I thought to myself. You probably don't even understand what I'm saying right? But it didn't didn't matter if they understood or not because I'm not going to miss my flight! Woohooo!!

Now I just needed to get out of this lift and run through to gate twenty three, right? Last hurdle. Bianca would be at the gate and we would be able to go through to boarding. The gate would close any minute now but its fine because Bianca had just gone through to the Boarding lounge and I was ALMOST there!! The lift doors opened and impatiently sliding forward with small geisha-esq steps, I tactfully tried to encourage the people infront of me to exit the lift quickly. Ushering people towards the lift doors I flapped my hand whispering kinda loudly "come on people let's move...move...move...move!!!" As soon as the lift cleared slightly I proceeded to grab my suitcase with the same hand that I had been encouraging my blank faced fellow lift passengers to move with...only to find there was no case there!!!

Hmmmmmnn. I looked behind me. Nothing. I came out of the lift. I went back in the lift. Where was my suitcase??? Once again I walked out of the lift. SERIOUSLY like where was my suitcase??? Like a pleb, I began to ask my fellow passengers where my suitcase was!!! Did one of you mistakingly take it? I asked with a slight shrill in my voice??? Nobody was listening to me. Quel surpris eh??? Like seriously people it was actually comical. Especially when it dawned on me that I couldn't actually recall wheeling anything from security to the lift. My hand hadn't been pulling anything for quite a while now. Oh how hilarious?! How stupid can I be???? Oh my golly gosh. Of all the dopey things I have found myself doing surely this one was epic!!   Because SUDDENLY I had a flashback of my suitcase STILL sitting in the grey tray on the conveyer belt.  I am totally telling the truth!! I found myself retracing my footsteps in my mind and realised that in my crazy frantic rushing I had grabbed my rucksack, passport and flung on my jacket but had NOT EVEN PICKED UP MY SUITCASE!!  DOHHHHHH!!! I mean who does that???! Seriously who in their right mind forgets their suitcase in security?

This was actually beyond crazy right?!!!! Was I EVER gonna make this flight. I mean what kind of darn warfare was this?! Or what kind of stupidity. All over again the fear tried to attack me. Imagine if I don't get this flight. Imagine IF AFTER ALL THIS I actually miss my flight because even though I was in the airport I forgot my suitcase in security. I mean just call me Mr Bean. I didn't know if I should just laugh or cry. Frantically I ran back into the lift. Up to the next floor. Literally screeched out of the lift doors. Retraced my steps. Ran right back through the NO ENTRY one way system that led back to security!! Couldn't even remember which aisle I had used. Ran back to the first one. Asked one of the security officers if I'd left my suitcase. He looked at me as if I was on drugs. No time to care. I ran further down. I kept going until I recognised the security aisle I had put my case through. Profusely thanking God that my suitcase would be found there. I very quickly saw it. Another security officer stood next to it clearly wanted to know which idiot still hadn't claimed it. Errr thanks officer that would be me. I approached him.  It's mine, I frantically explained, barely able to breath. Grabbing the trolley handle I thanked him as I pulled it away from him.

He looked at me like I was on crack. How can you forget your suitcase he asked. I tried to explain. I had FOUR  MINUTES!!! Seriously buddy...FOUR minutes til my...til my...I wasn't even making sense. Not bothering to explain anymore I said thank you again and began to run through security once more, into the lift, back down to departures. I ran back through the shortcut. I ran and I ran and I ran, thanking God that the gates would NOT close. Gate twenty three seemed like a mile away. Stopping wasn't an option though. I continued to run until I got there. My phone rang, it was Bianca. Eek. What would she say about the flight??? Miraculously though she told me boarding hadn't even opened yet. WHAAAAAAT???? Oh my golly gosh. How crazy??? Thank YOUUUUUU JESUS!

Finally, I approached gate twenty three and there was Bianca, sitting in the boarding lounge. She waved. My heart filled with gratitude. It was such a relief to see her. It was SURELY the grace and mercy of God, that the airline hadn't even opened the boarding gate yet despite the boarding pass stating gates should have closed over fifteen minutes ago. How can that even be? Oh the trauma!! Oh the relief. What we had gone through to get on this plane was crazy. Yet as I finally sat down next to her I felt the comfort of knowing all the drama had totally been worth it. Despite the fear, despite the temptation to magnify my circumstances...despite what seemed like an impossible situation, it had all been worth it because here we both were about to go on holiday to celebrate my birthday. The fight had totally been worth the opposition because what lay in the other side of the battle had surely been worth contending for!! We were going on holiday!!! Yaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!

Yet I had simply NOOOO idea just how VERY glorious and extravagant what God wanted to lavish me with, on the other side of this contention actually really was. Because to my incredible delight and wonder, as I began to tell Bianca about all the drama...about forgetting my suitcase etc etc...SUDDENLY I heard the voice of one of my close friends. Followed by another close mate!! And then in a whirlwind of delightful commotion and unfathomable surprise the next ten minutes consisted of me screaming with shock and delirious surprise as I discovered that this trip to Marbs wasn't just going to be me going with Bianca but Angie, Lucy and Ayanna...all my homegirls forevermore were also joining us!!! They had been there the whole time at the airport praying, interceding, pressing in and REFUSING to believe ALL their planning for the last three months, all their dreaming and scheming...all their delight in wanted to bless me and give me the best could be in vain.

Oh my GOSH!!! I simply had NOOOOO idea!! The odds had been stacked against me for sure yet I had had no idea of the vastness of the glory that actually lay on the other side of this delay to the flight. This seemingly impossible battle.  I'd desperately contended to make this flight, convinced that there was simply too much to lose for this trip not to happen - yet I had no idea of the true extent of what was at stake...of what along with some of my church family and Bianca, my closest friends had even been planning for me the whole time. That behind the scenes, driven by love and intense affection for me they were preparing the most lavish surprise for me and they had needed me to stay connected...stay filled with faith...stay prayerful and confident. They were fighting for me and there was no way after all that had been invested into this that letting it be stolen was an option.

You know what? I believe this is exactly what it's like in our fight for the kingdom...for the fullness of salvation...for all that the Father intended in His heart for us when He gave His very best...when He gave up His only begotten Son as a sacrifice so that we wouldn't perish...so that we would have the fullness of abundance and live the Zoe life. So that we would have YADA relationship with the Godhead and the fullness of what that brings...for the fulfilment of all that God promises...no matter the fears...the opposition...the doubts...the obstacles...the circumstance...NO MATTER WHAT...the price which has been paid is faaaaaaaaar too much to fathom...the investment that has been made on our behalf is faaaaar too costly for us to even think for one moment that God would NOT come through...that He would not fulfil His promises...that He would not give us His VERY best...because He has already done that VERY thing and losing is NOT AN OPTION! US missing it is NOT ON GOD'S AGENDA!

We simply miss it because we don't recognise what God has already done. The price that has already been paid. The irreplaceable sacrifice that has already taken place. I mean if we really understood that...if we really grasped the reality of the price God has already paid in laying down His very Son we would partner with God with such audacious, faith filled confidence, knowing that He can, He will and He wants to see the very best take place in our lives. Anything less is simply not worth the sacrifice that took place.

He wants to release the miraculous...the supernatural...He wants us to trust Him for the impossible...He wants us to magnify Him above our circumstances...He wants to bless us...use us...radiate through us...He wants to show up...to see us partner with His beautiful Holy Spirit and push the boundaries and believe God for the impossible...to pray...to apply His principles...to wage a good war...to stand firm and believe that He is innately good...to truly recognise that losing out is simply not an option...for what has already been sacrificed...already been invested and poured out through the blood of Jesus  is far too precious not to contend for....and although Christ has already paid in full...although the victory has already been won...we must be unshakeably confident that on the other side of each battle are spoils that the Father is standing at the ready desiring for us to enjoy if only we believe that in His perfect love He will never withhold any good thing from us...not because we deserve it but because of His own name's sake...for the sake of what His beautiful, perfect Son sacrificed in order for us to share the victory.

Nearly missing that flight was such a powerful lesson for me...choosing to contend for the supernatural...choosing to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and refusing to settle for anything less than the utmost goodness of God...being so confident of the investment that had been made and the price that had been paid compelled me to press in for the fulfilment, no matter how strong or impossible the opposition appeared.  I was incredibly thankful for the Word I had unknowingly fed myself on, days before my flight which I could hold on to and which equipped me to walk in the spirit and not respond in the flesh when the obstacle came. I was so thankful for the gift of praying in tongues and the nearness of the Holy Spirit. So so thankful for it all. What an amazing way to start this little holiday. Four days away in the sunshine secretly planned by my close friends and paid for by my church family to celebrate my 40th birthday. I mean what manner of love is THIS? Wow, totally undone by this incredibly love the Father has lavished upon us. But that I guess is for another blog.

Nikaó: The New Collection

Nikaó: The New Collection

Nikaó: The New Collection

Nikaó: to conquer, prevail

Original Word: νικάω

Part of Speech: Verb

Transliteration: nikaó

Phonetic Spelling: (nik-ah'-o)

Short Definition: I conquer, overcome

Definition: I conquer, am victorious, overcome, prevail, subdue

 

HMUA: Bianca Rose

Model: Faith Kareber

Photography: Cat Lane

God Made Me Amazing

Image Credit: http://Pinterest.com

Image Credit: http://Pinterest.com

For a very long time God has been dealing with a deep deep deeeeeep issue in my life. I'm thinking maybe a good few years actually.  A massive area, deeply rooted, which has layers upon layers I guess. It all started off with me coming to terms with the fact that I had simply lost my voice. Despite being a leader, having a fair bit of influence...having so many loving, encouraging people around me...somehow, somewhere along the line I had, in the name of humility and protocol chosen to stay silent rather than voice my opinion...perhaps because of not wanting to rock the boat in relationships...or so as to not appear rebellious or unspiritual...or for fear of rejection or being misunderstood...I don't know really...all I know is that I had become voiceless.

Now to look at me you would think that's just stupid. Most people would label me very vocal and outspoken but I'm simply not. Most often than not if I don't feel safe or valued I just keep my thoughts to myself.  I was in heart turmoil as God began to reveal this stuff. Slowly I realised that I simply couldn't fear relationships breaking down or people rejecting me as a reason for not speaking up and voicing my thoughts. Especially when God had positioned me to speak, to have a voice...to influence.  If I stayed silent out of a false sense of humility I was hardly stewarding the voice He has given me right?  So here Papa was urging me - urging me hardcore - to face up to some truths. I had to be willing to reveal my thoughts and my opinions with confidence when needed - in the moments where staying silent had been my posture...and I had to understand that my thoughts were just as God centred as the next person's.  

I had to be willing to work through conflicting perspectives without fear of messiness. I had to be willing to not always agree with everyone and I had to be willing to fight for what was in my heart. Bottom line - I had to confront some stuff.  Whether I liked it or not, I had to engage in courageous communication in order to be more authentic...and in order to be free.  It was properly horrid but I realised that not confronting it and remaining mute was far worse.  And so I began.  I started to communicate courageously despite the discomfort and vulnerability.  I started to speak up.  Perhaps not in a conventional way but in a way that was powerful and liberating for me.  Amazingly as I began to walk through this my relationships actually got stronger and authenticity of a greater degree kicked in. Note to self - speaking up in love is healthy.

But God wasn't done yet. Not by a looooong shot.  As I navigated through the choppy seas of brave communication and slowly began to find a place of peace in the battle that had surrounded me, He began to go deeper in my inners about fear of man. Eeeeek how crazy? I didn't even know how deeply rooted this stuff was. He began to show me that just as in the name of humility I had succumbed to being silent...in my fear of man and fear of rejection I had also lost my fire.  Great - thanks God, nice one.  Haha, painful to discover but unfortunately true.  He showed me that the wild, intrepid dancing girl who came into the kingdom wide eyed...guns blazing, had somehow lost her fiery ammunition and conformed to the expectations of others - thinking it was humility, but in actual fact it was a form of religion. Eeeeek eeeek eeeeek. A thousand times eeeeeek!!  

He began to show me stuff that needed to change, as He enlightened the eyes of my heart. He also had children of God speak words of truth into what I can only describe as an identity crisis I was having.  Somewhere in my journey as a Christian a lid has been put on and I'd lost myself.  Sure, when I came to God there was soooo much He needed to purge out of me...what with all the sex, drugs and rock and roll but there was tons of stuff I now realise that He wanted me to keep, to enjoy, to radiate...but somewhere along the line in the pursuit of dying to self and being humble, I had let the sparkle in me die too. I had let the fiery way in which God made me...the sassy, bold, brash, in your face, wild, love the limelight, dancing, glowing gal become a gentle wall flower...and newsflash that's JUST NOT ME!! Haha!

Don't get me wrong - I love love looooove the grace, the love, compassion and I do believe quiet strength I walk in. I desperately needed to be tamed by God's presence and I'm so grateful for all the foul living and messed up thinking that was removed from my life...but I have come to understand that some of the stuff I was led to believe needed to be purged and pruned out of me because it was apparently part of the old me is actually very much part of the divine way in which I was fashioned. It's very much part of the way God will use me and although it may at times be too much for the church, it's by no means too much for God.  And so in the midst of all this inner stuff God was working on He began to reveal to me through our time together and through beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ that fear of man HAD TO GO. This was the time to fully embrace who I was in God...to unapologetically radiate His wild side and to not hold back.

To dance, to sing, to scream, to shout...to shine His light without caring what people think...I was told a very powerful statement - "God is not intimidated by you being amazing". Like oh my gosh how liberating!!!  You see for the longest time I was crippled by fear of disappointing God. Of making it about myself instead of Him. Of shining brightly my own radiance and trying to steal the glory away from God. I fled from the limelight. I kept silent. I tried my utmost to die to my desires - even my God given ones - in order to flee from selfish ambition and to be yielded. And don't get me wrong I did all those things from a pure heart...a heart that desperately wanted to prove faithful before God...a heart that wanted to have Christ seated in the centre of it. Yet in my desperation to 'humble' myself before God and man...I think I totally lost myself.

For fear of getting it wrong, I simply conformed to what people around me said I should do or say or be. But it's not anyone else's fault. I am surrounded by the most amazing, loving people anyone could ever desire. I am soooo blessed by the relationships I have. But I cannot be defined by them. I have to be me...and I now realise that I have to be true to who that is in Christ. Even if it's not conventional or expected or if it doesn't follow the norm. And the exciting thing is that all the gorgeous people around me totally want that for me - they fully want me to be me in God - but because I didn't know what that was I guess, I conformed a lot along the way...which is my error not anyone else's.  And so as God began to awaken this stuff in me I knew it was time for the lid to come off. It was time for me to fully embrace the way God had made me and to not be apologetic about it.

It was time for me to be completely comfortable with letting Gods light shine through me. It was time for the fear to go - fear of stealing Gods glory - fear of failing - fear of man - fear of rejection. It was time to not be shy about being amazing in God.  And to let others do the same. And somehow I now find myself on the other side of this undoing. I find myself unbridled.  I can now look back and see how God's beautiful Spirit moved in my life over the last few years to help me see as He sees...sometimes it moved incredibly violently...sometimes a little more gently...in order to renew my mind and take me to a higher place as an image bearer of God.  And today I stand here a little bolder...a little freer...a little more dazzling.  

And it's changed not just how I see myself but how I see others. I want to call out the radiance in them. I find myself hungry to raise people up. I want those in my care to step out and be incredible in God. I want them to be bold...to have faith in God's ability to preserve them from falling, as they simply go wild for Him. I want my ceiling to be their floor. I don't want there to be a lid on any of them. I don't want them to have to ever hold back on being who they have been called to be, just to conform to what may be expected of them. Because as I have recently discovered... "God is not intimidated by any of us being amazing".  On the contrary, our beautiful, ever radiant Father of lights, delights in it.

x

 

No Shifting Shadows...

Image from: http://tr3slikes.tumblr.com

Image from: http://tr3slikes.tumblr.com

“Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.” James‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭(NLT‬‬)

2015 definitely had its valley seasons - some serious poo pits if I'm gonna keep it real - yep some of my most wounded, disillusioned and broken times in the Lord seemed to have taken place during the Spring and Summer of last year.  Yet for the most part the year was scandalously delicious. Like literally, my mouth was constantly left open in complete awe and wonder at what I saw God do in my life this last year. Despite the wilderness. Despite the trials. And as He dazzled me with His incredible INCREDIBLE kindness I came to recognise in a radical way that I would gladly walk through the valleys of 2015 again and again because in those places of rock bottom His goodness was unveiled to me, like never before. Such unchanging, constant, innate goodness.

For me, that is the only way that I can sum up 2015. It was the year that I truly came face to face with God's kindness. His beautiful faithfulness. His inherent goodness towards us - all the time...no matter the circumstances...no matter the reasons or the seasons, this God we serve always always always always always always always forever and ever every single moment of every single hour of every single day...has thoughts of nothing but goodness towards us.  Therefore whatever happens, or doesn't happen...we can trust that His goodness is at work. We don't trust His intervention as much as we trust His perfect nature...His nature of LOVE PERSONIFIED. We don't expect Him to somehow show up and show off in our isolated circumstances, need to need, incident to incident...situation to situation...but we come to know that we know that we know that He is, in His goodness - always working on our behalf, twenty four seven - in every detail of our lives - to bring about good - whether it feels like it or not...whether it looked like what we thought it would...whether we recognised it or not.

Loads of you may already have had that revelation, so game on, for that. But for me, this indelible truth has been etched so deeply upon my heart this year in an unprecedented way - I feel like my faith in His loving, kind, perfect nature has bought me to a new place to strength, confidence, assurance. It makes me fall in love with Him even more. The butterflies I get in my belly whenever I think of God's love seem to have found a new melody...and since I have become even more intimately acquainted with the inherent goodness of God - this heart of mine seems to be beating to a new rythmn. And I looooove it. It's the rythmn of God's inherent, steadfast, goodness - pulsating as an all powerful backdrop to the song of our lives...and slowly but surely, as I have navigated through the valleys and mountain tops of 2015, the steady rythmn of God's inherent, unfailing, always loving, perfect goodness - is becoming to me...as constant as my own heartbeat. 

x

 

 

Mercy Me...

I found myself on the tube the other night...fairly late...probably way past 11pm.  Once again it was the ever eventful Central Line that I was travelling on...and as usual the carriage was jammed packed...everyone crushed like sardines...accept on this particular occasion most of the sardines were drunk. And quel surpris, I found myself faced with an encounter that got me thinking...

The encounter went something like this...A nice man made space for me and smiled as I clambered onto the carriage. A few moments after the tube set off, he asked me if I'd like to have his candle. His very expensive candle apparently.  I was pretty knackered from a crazy couple of loooong days and wasn't in the most chattiest of moods...but nevertheless I smiled and asked how come? He explained that he had been given a candle at an event, from a very high calibre brand - but he couldn't be bothered to carry it on his night out...and he'd rather give it away to someone lovely on the train instead...(apparently).  Obviously I knew he was harmless - just waxing lyrical...being a smooth operator and that..but I smiled anyway and said yeah sure. I was hoping that, this was the end of our little tête à tête, and I now could hopefully just zone out and catch some zzzz's.

He was just about to hand it to me when suddenly, his über arrogant bald headed Asian mate who was a bit too merry for his own good and clearly not happy about the rather generous, undeserved, gesture his friend was about to extend...piped up and practically started frothing at the mouth. "You can't do that!" He scoffed. "Ask her if she even knows what brand it is? Has she ever even heard of Hublot? Let her answer the question first!" Cringe galore. He was totes opinionated that's for sure. He looked at me and (with slightly hooded eyes due to his alcohol consumption) endeavoured to challenge me. "Do you even know who Hublot are?" I don't really think he was interested in my response. He graciously enlightened me. "They are a f***ing high end luxury brand!" How charming, I thought to myself. The fella was on a soapbox hardcore and he wasn't coming down for anybody. 

I looked at this Asian dude and then back at the poor White guy who was just tryna be nice and explained..."mate I really ain't that fussed. I don't know who Hublot are...never heard of them...not really into brands or even into candles for that matter...i'm more than happy for you to keep your candle". Charming Asian bloke is still scoffing away as the lovely English man looks embarrassed and persuades me to please take the candle and simply ignore the Asian bloke. Okay so the situation is becoming trés awkward by thus point because Indian arrogant man is now raising his wrist in the air showing me and every other sardine on the entire carriage his £35K Hublot watch...still insisting this is a "f***ing luxury brand you know...that candle he's just given you is worth a lot of money you know".  He then proceeds to tell everyone about the designer brands he wears daily...how much dough he's got...how Ilford is a S***hole - before finally adding that most schools are filled with refugees who are all apparently criminals. Nice.

Every inch of my being soooo wanted to tell this joker a few home truths about his deeply unattractive, arrogance - and his foolish love for mammon...but taking a deep breath, reminding myself I'm a Christian, I chose to ignore his alcoholic rant and talked to his nice friend instead. We talked about church, as I was on the way back from a worship night. We talked about my day teaching in a really rough school and then about his job as a McDonalds Franchise owner where he was making lots of money...with kids at private school...who just wanted to give his children what he hadn't had in life. Although I was cream cracked I enjoyed briefly chatting to him. He clearly was a nice guy and had a heart to bless.

As I got off the carriage a short while later with my very expensive candle that I actually didn't give a flying fig about, I found myself thinking about the lovely gesture that the guy who's name I found out was Jerry had carried out. I then thought about his friend who simply couldn't accept his friend's gesture of grace and didn't want me to receive this freebie until, in his eyes I was qualified enough to receive such an expensive gift. It wasn't long before he reminded me of the big brother in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15). I reflected upon how he also reminded me of the full day workers who had grumbled when the eleventh hour workers had got paid the same amount as them (Matthew 20). I then considered how he actually reminded me of how Christians can be towards one another. And then suddenly, dare I say it...he reminded me of me.

I was immediately convicted of those moments when I have wanted someone to qualify for a blessing...or for grace...the times that I have not rejoiced at someone's blessing of favour and instead somewhere in my subconscious I have wanted them to earn it...the moments where I have wondered why someone got blessed when in my eyes they simply didn't deserve it...those times when someone in my limited understanding and my tarnished heart had been able to apparently bypass the appropriate labour and seemingly "correct" process and get promoted in the blink of an eye...when surely they should have "proved more faithful, right?"

Or, those pitiful occasions when I have wanted someone to go through a loooong process before I felt they were faithful enough...before I felt they were worthy of recognition or praise...before I felt they were mature enough to receive the attention. Wow, Lord have mercy on me for every moment when I have resisted the work of grace and pushed the agenda of works...for every time mercy has not triumphed over judgement...for every time I simply thought I couldn't afford to be gracious...or lenient...or giving...

I mean praise be to Gawd, but the more that I have encountered and received the Love of God over the years the less I do this...because you simply can't hang around Jesus and not become merciful...gracious...tender hearted...and generous...but maaaan I have such such SUCH a long way to go. Having this encounter with the guy on the train definitely reminded me afresh of just how far I have to go...and how much I have to learn about true grace...about true love...about Christlike mercy.

And I'm not saying for one minute that faithfulness doesn't reward...faithfulness DOES 100% without a shadow of doubt bring Gods rich favour, multiplication (Matthew 25) and blessing into our lives...with God you absolutely reap what you sow...He is ridiculously lavish to those that give of themselves and those that do yield to the processes...those that do obey...those that labour...those that can be trusted...and even when you may not see the reward on earth you know hands down the reward is there in heaven...a reward so glorious and so worth pursuing.

Yet God is good all the time. He is inherently good and His grace is simply undeserving. His favour is unmerited. None of us could EVER qualify for what He has given us...For I myself am a recipient of God's scandalous grace that has so lavishly been poured out in my life even though I am not qualified in any shape or form...there is a crazy unmerited favour that has exploded my soul day in day out since I became a Christian when what I actually deserved was death. And here I am on countless occasions wanting myself and others to qualify instead of freely receiving grace. Shock horror...none of us can deem who is or isn't qualified...none of us can judge...all of us must endeavour as much as we are able to, to choose mercy over judgement.

It's simply the scandal of grace - a scandalous deed that we will continuously, on a daily basis in our lives, have the opportunity to extend to those around us...whether they deserve it or not...whether they qualify or not.  And I pray that when we are next found in a situation that warrants mercy over judgement...grace over works...that we will be like Jerry just wanting to bless even though it may not be earned...rather than his friend who simply didn't recognise that he could have partook of the scandal of grace without any cost to himself. And that for me I realise is the key...often we think we can't afford to be merciful...or giving...or gracious...that somehow if we give away that which is not deserved that we will lose something...often it's a fear of losing face...or losing an important lesson...or a crucial principle...but most often than not I learn afresh that when it comes to being gracious...we simply can't afford not to.

xx