As a principle, the concept of going around the same mountain until we learn the lesson is pretty straightforward right - if you don't want to repeatedly go round the mountain simply learn the lesson the first time. Doh it's not rocket science. Yet in reality you often don't even recognise you're going around the same mountain until you've done it a few times too many. Or you experience so many blind spots, you lose perspective and can't see beyond the mountain. I have definitely experienced going round a particular mountain and then going round it again...and again...and again...and oh look here I am again going round it...that same darn mountain...confused...broken...frustrated. HOWEVER I think I might have just finally learnt the lesson I needed to haha!! Yay breakthrough...happy dance!
It's all to do with my finances, see. Basically, I left my profession over five years ago. God didn't tell me where I was to go, just that I was leaving teaching. I resigned. I started living by faith. God showed up, properly flooring me with His constant provision - I set up Living in Light. I got creative. I lived day by day not having any idea how God would provide, but totally enjoying the adventure. Even when it was scary. Even when it was too close for comfort...even when it was humiliating, even then I would see myself untarnished by lack, unmoved by anxiety and totally steadfast in my faith. Favour surrounded me like a shield. Everything I needed, I had. Hunky dory. It was all glory.
At this point I wasn't fussed about having wealth. I had a mindset that I was just happy to live by faith. As long as I was in the centre of God's will. Just as long as I had enough to pay my bills I was content. I assumed that I'd spend all my days living like this - day to day, miracle to miracle. Always walking out faith in the red right? Always trusting Papa to bring me everything I needed. Even with my business, just wanting to be faithful with my creativity - not striving to expand my borders to accumulate wealth through my creativity or anything remotely like that.
But then after three years of living like this, God started talking to me about being successful. Asking me what I wanted. Bobs, He pretty much said, I've got your needs covered but I wanna to know what you want in your heart. Do you want to be successful? Do you want to accumulate wealth? Don't you want to bring in streams of income from all of your giftings? Because that's how I've created you - to be one that brings in streams of income from walking in all that you do well. He began to prompt me. Don't you want to be rich???? What?? Rich? I ask. But isn't that off key? Isn't that selfish ambition Father? Isn't that unbiblical? Isn't that worldly? And then Papa begins to enlighten my heart.
He tells me that He actually made His children to be extraordinarily fruitful. That with Him on my side of course I can expect to be successful. That He has gifted me to be successful. To be excellent. To take dominion. And then He challenged me - if I don't have wealth how am I going to even bless the kingdom? How am I going to making an impact with diddly squat in my bank account? How am I going to change the world without the resources to do it??? I felt Him saying to me, I can trust you with wealth - I have tested your heart - because you have given up all you have for me...because you have not held back your possessions from me...because you have stewarded your finances well...because you have never served mammon...because you trust me and know that I am your source and your provider. Because you have been faithful with the little - I can now release much to you. And then He drops a Proph and tells me that because of all of that, I would have more wealth than I knew what to do with!! Wow!! HELLO PROSPERITY! Holy gamoly!! How amazing right???!
I started spending more...giving more...expecting more. However after this heavy revy and incredible prophetic word, the poo suddenly hit the fan and lack kicked in like I'd never imagined. I spent the next 18 months dying on the inside as I became so discouraged - always going month to month only ever scraping through. Although untold favour still surrounded me and I still got so blessed and I travelled and had so many mini breakthroughs I nevertheless didn't experience complete breakthrough. I seemed to have to for the most part live on this debilitating low budget deal til kingdom come! It became unbearable when I ended up having to put stock for my new collection on my credit card. I felt so burdened about paying it back. Every time I'd get any money I'd wack it on my credit card quick time hating the thought of being in debt. I literally wouldn't shop for food - it was the least of my priorities. The thought of putting food on my credit card was super disheartening - I knew God was my provider and I never ever went without, but I'd wrestle constantly with a lack of peace about getting in more debt over groceries so I'd keep everything to a bare minimum.
I would grieve that I didn't have enough to give out. Never was I able to constantly bless. Sure I could do it once in a while but not as a lifestyle. Another massive place of wrestling. I knew God could and would deliver me from the debt and it could happen in a split second or over months - He would surely sustain me but in the meanwhile I'd spent months if not years calculating all my financing - balancing my somewhat divine ledgers of miracles, blessings and self employed income day by day trusting I'd somehow have enough. And don't get me wrong I always did have enough. But most often than not I only ever just had enough to get by. Yet I was trusting that I was being a good steward of what I did have. Being wise. Not being extravagant. Spending within my means. Not putting groceries on my credit card. Not indulging in any way.
Yet what I didn't realise is that this season wasn't about stewardship. This season was about sonship. A son doesn't worry if his dad's got enough to pay for his ice cream. He just asks for ice cream. A son doesn't take on the burden of his fathers finances - he just lives care free knowing his dad's got it covered. I believe that's what the Father wanted from me. Not to calculate every little penny I spend but to go ahead and buy all that I needed. To not sweat the small stuff. To just trust that my dad in heaven wants to, and will get me everything I need. Simultaneously I believe He wanted me to work from home not needing to temp or reach, and to give generously out of what I didn't seemingly have. Even though I wanted to bless so many ministries or people I would only give out if what I had and so often if I did not have the physical cash I wouldn't be able to give. Yet I felt Papa prompting me to give out of what I did not yet possess. I also felt Him properly telling me to work on my own ministry at home and not even consider any other work coming in.
So I did. I stayed at home and concentrated on Living in Light and the Sexual Purity stuff. I started blessing people on my credit card or the little bit that I had in my account completely trusting that God was going to provide. Please be aware folks that I'm not encouraging people to use their credit cards or leave their jobs and stay at home, but this was what God I believe was asking me to do. It wasn't about the money. It was about my faith. About me obeying. About me choosing to be a vessel when it didn't seem like my cup was running over. Choosing to be a vessel for other people's needs, and allowing God to be the source. And I'm so grateful I did. I'm so so grateful because I've not been round that same mountain since. I'm so thankful that I finally yielded to this principle and learnt the lesson the Father was teaching me, because the fruit has been mind blowing. Can I share...?
So I'd been pressing in and giving out of what I didn't have and feeling this fresh grace and my faith was rising up. I was still in debt of course - I owed a grand on my credit card and then a few hundred pounds here and there. But I had total peace. I was going to simply spend like a son, carefree and unburdened and let my Papa pay the bill and let Him work out the how and when. I was going to give generously out of what I did not yet possess. I was going to work from home and trust the peace inside me of fully concentrating on Living in Light. And I was going let go of old formulas, old breakthrough methods and to simply trust like never before. And with this peace and rest I headed over to Chosen - our yearly church prayer camp. Sweet.
On the second day of the camp, I found myself walking past the intercession tent and to my delight all the intercessors were in there and no one else knew they were there so I was like HELLO PRAYER MINISTRY OPP!! I totally envisaged me dreamily sitting in the middle while they all prayed for me. Just what I needed actually. I knew I'd be serving nonstop at the camp and this rare window to receive prayer, seemed like a divine kiss from heaven. I went in the tent but all the intercessors had their eyes closed and were interceding away totally absorbed in prayer. After joining them in prayer for a few minutes I realised personal prayer ministry on this occasion wasn't going to happen, so I headed over to the Hospitality tent.
Yet to my delight one of the intercessors came into the hospitality tent a few minutes later and told me she felt God saying they should all pray for me! SWEEEEEEEEEET!! How is that for a divine encounter? I all but skipped back to the prayer tent. Aaaah Father You are so good. To my joy exactly what I had seen with the eyes of my heart happened. They all gathered around me and prophesied, laid hands and prayed for me!! Yay!! At the end they asked me if I had any specific needs. I searched my heart. Despite the peace I now felt about my finances I felt God pulling on this. I knew I wasn't walking in the fullness of abundance. I knew I needed breakthrough. I wanted my life to prosper even as my soul prospered. And so I found myself asking for prayer for my finances. I then found myself weeping. Overcome with heartache at how hard it had been. I shared how I wanted to be someone who can give without limit. I then found myself confessing my deep frustration at owing a grand on my credit card when I had been debt free not so long ago.
And so they prayed for me. With great love and power they interceded for me. They broke stuff. They ministered to me and comforted me. It felt great. I felt like it was such a blessing to receive prayer in such a personal way. I was faith filled and excited, no matter what happened I knew God had shown up on my behalf. I left the tent (skipping on the inside). Yet just how much He'd actually shown up on my behalf would not be apparent until that evening, when one of the intercessors approached me during the evening ministry time asking if she could talk to me. Looking slightly embarrassed she asked me not to be offended. She then proceeded to share how she had oddly found herself in the prayer tent earlier. She wasn't actually one of the intercessors but had found herself accompanying a friend into the tent. She had come to this camp desperate to hear God's voice after struggling to hear Him clearly. As she has sat in the tent, me in the middle, praying over me, she had heard God clearly instructing her to pay off my debt. She had heard the sum she was to give to me yet at that point wasn't even sure if I would require that particular amount. She wrestled with God asking Him how she could even be sure I needed that particular amount. The amount God was asking her to give me was exactly a grand. In the midst of her internal dialogue with God questioning if a grand would even make a difference to me, I said I owed a thousand pounds on my credit card.
And there she stood in front of me that evening, brimming over with humility...such a gentle , beautiful spirit, afraid she would offend me...yet compelled to come and speak to me. Asking me if it was okay with me if she gave me a grand. Whaaaaaatttt???? A grand? To pay off my credit card? From the Father? Just like that? And this precious sister had obeyed. I was floored. Oh my gosh. What manner of love is this? How kind is our Father in heaven. And what an incredible woman of God. That she would come quickly to share so that she couldn't back out. She transferred the money into my account the next day. Just like that. And I paid off my card in a split second. I testified the next day and shouted Gods fame for praise Him for His incredible kindness. As far as everyone was concerned my debt had been paid off...yet I still owed a few hundred on another card for food shopping and other outgoings. Two days later another Intercessor came to me with an envelope filled with £250. She told me God had awoken her the night before telling her to give this amount to me. It was precisely what I needed to get completely out of debt. Crazy right???? Maaaan!!! This looooooove????
Since that day I have stepped into crazy financial breakthrough like never before. It's like I've stepped over the threshold. The stronghold of lack has been broken. Business is going so well and the Father has confirmed His instruction for me to work from home by continuously bringing me sale upon sale. Blessing upon blessing. Provision upon provision. I've been killing it with food shopping too...
I have definitely questioned if it was my own fault that I stayed in this place of lack as long as I did. I recall as far back as fifteen months ago when God was prompting me to give out of what I didn't have as a lifestyle. I did for a while. Major breakthrough came, but somewhere along the line there was a glitch in the matrix, lack showed up again and I stopped giving from a place of faith - once again not feeling as if I was able to bring little more than my tithe. I have also realised that this whole time I was trying to steward what was in my hand with diligence - not being extravagant with any spending, keeping everything to a bare minimum...feeling blessed by the Lord with all I need but spending very little on myself and wanting to bless others with what little I did possess...and the whole time I could have actually have bought whatever I had needed and popped it on my credit card...I could have shopped in waitrose instead of Lidl...I could have gone out to dinner instead of having toast at home...I could have bought the shoes and heck I could have bought the ice cream!! The Father would have paid off this debt for me whatever I would have spend it on knowing my Father cared about me and wanted me to live as a son and not as a servant. This miraculous debt cancellation would have happened no matter what, yet my journey through this process could have been so fruitful and without so much inner turmoil and wrestling,
I'm sure I could have learnt the lesson sooner too. Im sure could have stopped going around this mountain a looooooong time ago!!! But heyyyy bygones - it's actually totally okay because none of its in vain. I was properly stretched, purged and pruned. And though it took me soooo long to get it, all the lessons I learnt in the process have strengthened my faith...have demonstrated Gods goodness and faithfulness in my life in phenomenal...my mind has been renewed and my perspective has changed. I trust God for my provision more now than ever before. I have learnt to hear and obey His voice in a new way. To follow His leading above every other pull. To trust Him not just with my needs but with my wants too. To go from being a steward who is seeking to be faithful with what he is being entrusted with...to becoming to a faith filled son who's good good father who longs to bless his children, owns the whole lot anyway.
What incredible treasure right? I'm so so thankful that my heart finally got it. Yet you know, despite the pain of the process...the length of the lesson...the sadness in the storm...I bless it all...and if truth be told I would do it all over again...if it meant learning what it means to step out of stewardship and into sonship.