CARTWHEEL ANYONE?

As we enter 2015 I wanted to share a New Years Eve post from the past with you.  For me, it's an ageless blog post which speaks to my heart each and every single time that I read it.  As we enter a new year of endless possibilities and boundless adventure...I sincerely hope it speaks to you too.

Image from www.wallpaerswa.com

This has been a truly incredible year for me…so full of God's Love, His Goodness and Faithfulness…His Power and Provision…I have grown and grown and grown on so many accounts…but maaaaan I gotta say hand on (broken) heart (lol) it has also been a flipping painful year.  A crazy year where I have felt like I have been thrown in a superfast washing machine…on the highest speed setting…where I have endured a highly aggressive, hot, pre-wash cycle where all the dirt and hardcore grime has been removed…and I've had untold rinses and spins at different paces and temperatures…and still I don't even know if I am anywhere near the last cycle - let alone when I will eventually come out super laundered and smelling yummy!!  Haha!

Seriously - when I entered this year I was like Yaaay…destiny…greatness… crazy faith…blah blah blah…I had it all worked out in my head and I WAS READDDDY!!  Soooooooo hilarious.  But obviously it didn't work out like that!!  Hehe!  Don't get me wrong - the spiritual progress I have made upon my high places has been mindblowing!!  When I think of all that God has perfected in me and helped me overcome and apply in my life I am seriously h.u.m.b.l.e.d.  Yet with all that I have learnt and encountered and been trained by this year…I still find myself coming to the very last day of this truly significant year feeling a little bit battered and bruised from the painful process of it all!  And oh me gosh - the process is still not finished yet!!!  Eek! And as I enter the new year - a year so momentous, significant and promise filled…how will I walk into it without wondering if this new year is just going to be more of the intensely bittersweet training, purging and pruning that the past year has bought me…

Of course, no matter what, the biggest part of me will always perceive every new day, new month and certainly every new year with an innate sense of anticipation, joy and hope that invariably comes from being saved, loved and freed by an Eternally Faithful and Loving Father - who I know will do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ask or imagine for each one of us - therefore I am more than expectant of superfabulousness in the new year and the amazingness that it will bring.  Yet if truth be told, there was actually a little whisper in my head causing the experiences of this year to almost disable me from entering into the new year with cartwheels and somersaults - instead I felt sober and calmly hopeful but not tooooo excited in case it just brought more of the same fiery, heart breaking trials of the previous year - and so rather than cartwheeling, a small part of me almost felt more like I was going to be limping into the new year…

BUT THAT WAS BEFORE THE MOMENTOUS MOMENT THIS AFTERNOON! Hehe!  Soooo there I was feeling like a wounded lamb…totes corny but totes true… and seriously…if you don't know why there's images of Jesus with a lamb all over the place…let me share…because when I heard about the reasons behind the image, it totally summed that whole year up for me!  I had heard Joyce Meyer share this a few days earlier  - you gotta love a bit of Joyce don't ya…anyhoo the story behind the lamb being held by Jesus in all the cute picturesque scenes is based on a practice carried out by shepherds - apparently when they want to train the lamb to stay close and not duck out on the Shepherd, he breaks the lamb's legs and the lamb can't walk or go anywhere - and during the entire healing process the shepherd carries the lamb around with Him, up close and personal and tends to the lamb causing it to become so utterly dependent on the shepherd, that it would never ever want to be away from the shepherd even when it's broken limbs heal again.  When I heard that I was like "oh my gosh that's me…I'm a lamb…I AM A LAMB!!!!!"  Rather melodramatic I know…but it all made sense - because here I was being carried by the Good Shepherd, so close to Him…so dependent on Him yet feeling wounded and in pain because I felt like all me little limbs had been broken.  So I went to God with this feeling of brokenness this afternoon on the very last day of this year and I sat ready…waiting for Him to speak to me because I really just couldn’t bear entering even a new day let alone a new year with all these wounds…do you know what I mean?  And really needing a shift in my mindset I asked Him to speak to me through His Word.

And this is what Papa Gorgeous Almighty showed me…

Hebrews: 12:11-13:

For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]. So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees, And cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured.

(NIV: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.  "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.)

And then He spoke this in to my heart:

Yes Bobs I know that you feel as if you have wounded limbs, but it's all good in the Christhood - because I am carrying you and will meet your every need.  And even though the process of training can be a total bummer- full of pain and discomfort - what happens as a result of that process is truly magnifique!!  Though this time of discipline is not pleasant, you have to find comfort in the fruit that you will bear as a result of this process. You will be conformed to my will. It will bring your heart, mind, soul and deeds into right standing with me.  But I want you to be invigorated and erect, to stand firm and be strengthened so that your path in this process will be smooth and not crooked.  Let your path be happy - have the right attitude - and go in the right direction - because if you slack and become weak then your healing limbs will be put out of joint and when in this position the lame can be disabled longer than necessary.  But if you let me perfect a work in you and choose to be reinvigorated and strengthened as I lead you in this process then you will find that the wounds and brokenness that have caused you to be lame, will heal smoothly and be totally cured!

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeee!!  Instant mind renewal!!  How amazing is that?  God is just so Beautiful!!  I love how He is always so real.  So ready to help you in your time of need and how in a split second He will just flip turn the script and change your way of thinking!!  So YAAAY I didn't have to go into the new year limping!  On the contrary - I had a choice to enter into the new year strengthened and rejuvenated in God.  I had the full assurance that in God ordained processes He always makes provision for the wounds too.  So I am strengthened.  I stand firm.  Suddenly I am ready for whatever this year will bring - even if it simply more of the same, because  ultimately it is all worth it and after all, He works all things together for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purposes…

And get this - the glorious beauty of it isn't that He is going to lead me through the coming year (that’s a given) but the beauty is that He is with me in my moment of need…in my NOW…the ever-present help… carrying me…leading me moment by moment…I realised afresh that I just don't need to work out the year ahead with God…I just have to breath Him in NOW…being filled…consumed and possessed by all that He is…in this very moment…LIVING IN THE MOMENT WITH HIM AND NOT WASTING A SINGLE SECOND…after all isn't that what days…years and entire lifetimes are made of?…Moments?

OH WOOOOOWWWWWWWW...Smiles…I totally feel a cartwheel coming on…x

Our Deepest Fear...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson

The Beauty Of A Healthy Church...

I have met many people who share their beautiful conversion stories and I'm filled with delight at the initial passion they felt...the love they sensed...their immediate understanding of this gorgeous Jesus...people who collided with the love of God and were instantly awakened with this need...this thirst...this desire for His love...His peace...His passion...it's almost like once an authentic love encounter with Jesus Christ is in the mix...it's a forgone conclusion...you're a gonner...you're ruined for life - you'll never ever find anything as beautiful as His love...and somehow in that very moment you just know it.

It wasn't like that for me.  I was introduced to Jesus as a 12 year old. I knew His peace and His righteousness. I knew the rules and rituals. But I didn't know His love. I knew He was holy but I didn't know He was Love.  I left Christianity and chased after sin. For me Christianity was boring and sin was exciting. I thought I could sin and still find love. I didn't. I messed around for years and then recommitted my life to a righteous and Holy God from a place of fear.  To avoid hell. I had fear because I didn't know God was Love. I started attended church and still I struggled desperately with the boredom, the rule keeping...the sin consciousness...and even then I didn't truly understand Gods love.

Yet over time, the more I got to know of God I found myself falling in love with glimpses of Him...where He would comfort me...excite me...delight me...but there were also parts of God that would definitely frustrate me...grieve me...scare me...it all depended on which side of God I was exposed to...and all this time I didn't really know Jesus. I knew God - but to be honest, when you just know God the Father it's simply not enough - Father God outside of the Trinity isn't the whole picture - you can't get the whole package.  You don't see the full beauty.  Soon after I got saved I began to worship ardently by myself and Jesus showed me that I had neglected Him - I repented and began to intentionally seek Jesus. Over the next 10 years I sought after Jesus with every inch of my being.  I fell in love with Him. I came to understand that the Father freed me because of what His precious beautiful Son did for me.  

I got sooooo delivered. So free. So in love. He became irresistible to me. How could anyone resist Jesus? He is simply the most beautiful person ever. He is wonderful in ALL of His ways. He is totally gorgeous from every single perspective...He is perfect...glorious to behold...Soooo soooo SO very good.  From the moment I saw Jesus' beauty never did I waiver in my pursuit of God. Once I was in I was in...I was a keeper...yet I have pondered why despite my hunger and desperate pursuit of God did it take me soooo long to discover the love of Christ...why did it take so long for me to see His beauty. Though I was radically and instantly snatched out of sin why did it it take me such a long time to fall into grace?

Jesus certainly didn't change over time this I know...it's not like He BECAME delicious in the last ten years...or became more perfect...NO - ON THE CONTRARY - He was always irresistible...He was always beautiful from every single angle...yesterday today and forevermore He has always been perfect and gorgeous to behold. Yet why did I not see this from the onset?  Some people do see it from their first encounter don't they? Like those that I mentioned at the beginning of the blog...or those that you hear about in Muslim nations that have a radical, heavenly visitations...but as is with most people I didn't have a supernatural encounter where Jesus came and shone a white light and dazzled me with His radiance...I didn't have a divine encounter where His liquid love enveloped me and I felt all gooey and floaty...on the contrary I had a raw...emotional...turbulent and looooong journey of discovering God's love and the beauty and worth of Jesus - His grace, patience and mercy unveiling His love and identity to me.  I literally weep nonstop in gratitude for His persistence...His endurance...His long suffering - in faithfully showing me who He is...tenacious in His revealing, though it took me so long to see His beauty....yet He never waned in pursuing me so that one day in my pursuit of Him I would truly SEE Him.

As I come across those to have had a slightly easier, less volatile...dreamier journey into the Kingdom...though I don't regret a single inch of my beautiful, God breathed journey nevertheless I have pondered why so many struggle to see Christs beauty from day one of saying YES to God?  And why when Jesus is SOOOOOO sooooo beautiful do more people not see His gorgeousness and want it?...

Now I could be totally wrong and of course I believe there are untold spiritual factors at work for why people don't see the beauty of Christ...but I do sense that one of the reasons is because of how He has been reflected and represented by the church as a whole...and I guess more locally too.  Although my personal times with God were quickly becoming rich and intoxicating even as a new believer, I only came to truly understand the love, grace and goodness of God when I came to Commonwealth Christian Fellowship. It's here that I found permission to dream. It's here that I truly discovered a body of people who radiated Christ...who modelled...taught...pursued and demonstrated Christ...who made me want to know Christ with every inch of my being...and in whom I saw Christ as clear as day. For the first time ever I believe I discovered a truly healthy church...one that is wholly centred upon Christ and walking in such beautiful freedom. Although yay, thankfully in London we have several wonderfully, healthy churches!

But without wanting to be judgemental in the slightest or wanting to condemn anyone, just as my Pastor has shared with us before, there are simply not enough truly healthy churches...because unfortunately some veer on legalism...some on sloppy grace...some on hardcore discipline and sin consciousness...the list goes on...and sadly there just aren't enough churches that have a balanced, heavenly authentic, divinely accurately understanding of God...therefore cannot offer this to others...even with the very best intentions.  And that I believe is part of Satan's strategy for Christians...he basically thinks "hey okay fine so what if they start attending church? No big deal - just because they're in church, that doesn't mean they'll actually meet God right? They can come to church but let's keep them from walking in wholeness and love - we'll just get hurting people to hurt people in church...we'll get wounded people to wound people in church....unforgiving people to unforgive...condemned people to condemn...self righteous people to judge...lost people to lead...and we'll just do it while in church...job done!"

You see because if we don't have an accurate enough understanding of God's Love then even with the best intentions we can't help people get free...because we ourselves are not free.  So we can't share the joy of Christ...we can't give and love unconditionally because somewhere along the line we aren't walking in complete spirit and in truth...we haven't quite tapped into who God is and so we don't completely know who we are.  Without an accurate and experiantial understanding of God's love, through Jesus, led by the Holy Spirit the church is leading people to The Lord and faithfully doing kingdom business - but there's much resistance and struggles and deception and conditions and heartache and bondage because it's being done without the understanding of who Jesus truly is and how deep...and wide...and high...and long...God's love is...

If I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such [a]as is inspired by God’s love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers ([b]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).  Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or [c]in order that I may glory, but have not love (God’s love in me), I gain nothing.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (Amp) 

That's why I believe we can become a Christian in a mediocre church and so it can take us years to have the true identity of Jesus unveiled despite our insatiable hunger and pursuit of God, or on the flip side you can be planted in an authentic vibrant, healthy house and get saved, signed...sealed and delivered in weeks...be radically changed and have a network of free, joyful...strong, steadfast brothers and sisters around you supporting you and making Jesus famous...making Jesus soooo attractive to everyone around them and just living the abundant life.  I believe as the body we need to strive for the latter - to be healthy, Christlike Christians...little anointed ones...it's just not worth it to hang around in a place of compromise...a place of weight or sin...or mediocrity...or lukewarmness.  We have lost people around us who desperately need to meet the irresistible beauty and love of Jesus...we could well be their only divinely ordained, perfect labourer for this season and they are perhaps destined to meet LOVE through us but if we are not healthy, free, powerful, love drenched Christians...our vibrant, victorious lives signposting to Jesus - then they just won't see Him in us...they won't detect His light and love.  We'll just be another ordinary person...who happens to spend their Sundays at a church.  They won't see that we have something they need. They won't see that we are so free that we can direct them towards true freedom...we can help carry their load when they are going through tough times and lead them to the Prince of Peace.  But you see if we have so much of our own baggage how can we help carry anyone else's load when they need support?

Imagine - how could Jesus have carried away the worlds inequity and disease? Because His hands were free - He didn't have a single iota of His own baggage - sooooo free of baggage was He that He was able carry the past...current and future universe's entire baggage...the pain...the sickness...the disease...the cancer of sin...for ALL time.  Although Jesus has completed everything at Calvary and His work is a finished work we are called to help carry other peoples burdens just like Jesus did. But if we are busy dealing with our own burdens...our own stuff - then how are we ever going to help anyone else? We are meant to give all our burdens to Jesus daily...we are to be strengthened by his joy and in all things give praise...we are called to live by faith...seated in heavenly places...

But if we are still trying to get free or still trying to work out our identity or Gods identity...all the point 101 stuff, then literally how are people going to ever have an authentic encounter with Christ through our lives life if our lives still need soooo much fixing...hey good news...we have already been fixed in Jesus...we can give all our stuff to Him and be free of it...holding on to our "stuff" is not going to help anyone...on the contrary the "healthiness' of our walk with The Lord has the potential to totally accelerate or delay the spiritual walks of untold people around us...if we are a healthy Christian and a healthy, Jesus centred church then those that we disciple will be healthy...and centred on Christ and God's goodness.  

I'm sincerely not trying to condemn anyone or downplay anyone's trials or painful circumstances - they are valid and God can and will use them for our good...but even in our trials and valley experiences we can be healthy Christians - we can be jars of clay. It's when we stay in our stuff and for whatever reason aren't walking in our blood bought freedom that we can become unhealthy Christians...ineffective...powerless.  Satan wants to keep the church in deception so it doesn't shine God's light. I say it's a sheer tragedy when people are kept from seeing the true beauty of Christ...just like I was when I first became a Christian.  Because I didn't see it, I wasn't able to reflect it.  It's the same for loads of others right?

SO what's the solution? 

God can and will bring beauty out of our broken churches. When Constantine, the emporer of Rome converted to Christianity and led the Roman Empire to faith, he called for an end to the persecution of Christians.  As Christianity became cultural and more common it was unfortunately watered down. There was complacency and compromise.  In contrast it was when the church was persecuted that the church grew authentically. I'm definitely not saying we must be persecuted in order to grow as the body but we must be willing to die to our flesh - we must be willing to lay down the complacency and let go of the stuff that we think is harmless. Little foxes spoil the vine. Let's strip away anything that isn't Jesus.

Anything that doesn't line up with His Word, His character, His desire, His love towards us - let's just be willing to knock it on the head - because our freedom in Christ isn't just about us - if we are weighed down by off key doctrine, or condemnation or an eskewed perception of who God is, then the influence we have upon others is also diluted or violated...because I say it again - it's not just about us...the harvest is ripe...people are coming into the body seeking an authentic relationship with Christ - a life that Christ promised and we've got to be healthy ministers of reconciliation, not wounded, stagnant, complacent, mediocre, deceived Christians...as the lost come into the family of God we've got to be walking in sonship not wading in an orphan spirit.

That's the thing - satan will accept us being in the family of God as long as we remain an orphan - it's when we understand our position as sons and daughters that he kaks himself because that's when we become a unit...a family...true brethren in The Lord...representing Christ's love to all the earth...revealing the Father's heart...making God famous for who He really is....He is irresistible...delightful to be around...faithful beyond belief and altogether lovely - whose thoughts towards us are altogether good and eternally drenched in love...always merciful...always kind...perfect in all His ways...come one now...who wouldn't want this in their lives?

So we must let go of the stuff that stands in the way of Gods character being revealed through us and prevents us from being being abundantly, effective in our lives. We must rise up and grow up in Christ..we must seek Him...truly seek Him in spirit and in truth...because there is a specific ordained sphere of influence, spiritual children...people in our care that need to see a true reflection of who Christ is...and it's maybe only through our lives that they will see this...but we cannot show them something we aren't seeing ourselves. I believe its crucial to be planted in a vibrant, healthy, presence pursuing church that is in love with Jesus, in Spirit and in Truth...a place where you can grow and flourish...a place that helps you to walk in authencity, freedom, power and love...a place that truly reflects Christ and is able to nurture the lost into freedom effectively - and authentically be that sign post pointing towards Jesus...the beautiful King...the Saviour of the world...the irresistible One...who truly is the answer to every single thing. HE is the ONE that this world is looking for...but they will meet Him through us...let's strive to be the healthiest ministers of reconciliation ever.

xx

http://commonwealthchurch.com

Every Single Moment...

I spent a few really incredible days in gorgeous Suffolk last month.  It really did me the world of good...taking a few days out from my beautiful but busy life to just chill...to maybe write...pray...to read a little...and to listen loads.  I knew it was a God thing.  A divine set up.  I totally smiled when a beautiful couple I know invited me to their gorgeous country home close to the sea.  I had wanted to get some time out to write for ages and when their invitation came I knew it was God.  We had been standing in the Market Place at David Tent's Worship Festival at the end of August...I had enthusiastically nodded saying "yeah defo...that sounds dreamy"...and although I sensed it was God, in all honestly I wasn't sure quite how I would actually take them up on their irresistible offer of a quiet getaway by the sea, with all that was going on in my life.  Yet as my friends had walked away, Charlie (Nikki's hubby) had stopped and looked back at me, before saying the following very significant words:

"Bobbi please don't just say yes and then go back to London and forget about your need for time out...about your deep desire to write.  You really should take us up on our invitation...and do it quickly...this coming month...while the sun is still shining brightly during the day...and while the opportunity is still there". That so sealed the deal for me.  And so off I went to Suffolk.  I spent hours on the beach...I read books...I journalled...I dreamt with God...I enjoyed incredible food...leisurely lunches and dinner at the harbour.  I inhaled fresh country air and took long drives. I savoured the simple things...enjoyed a slower pace of life.  I was inspired afresh...yeah that's what it was...I clearly needed this time to give God the space to inspire me afresh - without the emails, the phone calls, without the social media and technology...and without my own tendency to get distracted.

He did not disappoint me. I was most definitely inspired.  Above and beyond...on so many levels.  Inspired by the stillness of the countryside - enabling me to hear anew with clarity, God's heart for me.  Inspired by the stories I read.  Inspired by the fresh peace I felt.  Inspired by the every day lives of the beautiful family I stayed with - their pursuit of God...the battles they had fought...the family they had built and the trailblazing creativity that they clearly walked in.  I was inspired by all that I observed.  Moment by moment inspired by the conversations I had...gleaning so much wisdom from those around me.  A conversation in particular that I had with Nikki touched me so deep.  It was something that has been said many a time, by many a people, in many a way - yet it struck a chord in me so strong that day.  Loud and clear - it became substance to my soul. 

As we walked together through the lush, green fields of the Suffolk country side onto the sandy beaches and sky blue sea, I was reminded by my beautiful, wise friend, about the wonderful importance of being "in the moment".  Not just seizing the opportunities in life - but like totally one hundred percent ENGAGING WITH THE NOW...you know...not thinking about the other person you would rather talk to at that time...or thinking about what was going to happen later that day...or the tasks you needed to undertake...about who you were going to see tomorrow...or the very important issue or deadline two days or two weeks from now...but to actually live in the NOW...to give yourself completely and totally to whatever it is that you are doing in that very moment...whoever you are doing it for...whoever you are doing it with...however long you are doing it for...and to determine to get the very best out of it...and to pour the very best into it.

We all need this reminder right?  Not to say that sometimes in life thinking of the future can't be a great way to get through the now - especially if the experience we may be going through is perhaps painful, monotonous or deeply uninspiring.  And this is valid and understandable and praise God for being able to see the bigger picture,  but what I'm talking about is being in the PRESENT and fully engaging in that very moment if you have an option to do that, whether you're talking to the prime minister or to the postman...whether your filling in your tax return or designing a new collection of clothing...whether you're serving a customer in a shop or tipping a waiter for a meal...basically just not dismissing a moment in favour of something or someone that we deem far more significant or worthy of our time, attention or effort...not overlooking all that you could give or receive in that moment whoever we may be with or whatever we may be doing.

Of course I am aware that this is far easier said than done because let's face it if you are in a rush...or you have an important deadline, or an exciting event coming up...or an imminent encounter with someone obviously all these various factors will be vying for your attention - and if you have pressing issues or challenging circumstances then again this is where your thoughts will be drawn to. Absolutely understandable.  Yet as exciting or as pressing or worrying as that thing may be that has your attention - whether it's a positive or negative thing you are fixating upon it's a deep shame if it steals you from NOW.  If thoughts of who you are going to see later prevent you from fully interacting with or fully blessing or fully focusing on who you are with right now in this very moment, then relationally you are losing out on the fullness of your time with the person you are with.  If thoughts of something that is yet to happen in the future steals your engagement with the present moment then that very part of your journey or someone else's journey is being stolen or sacrificed in favour of something that is yet to happen.

If we regularly succumb to this as a lifestyle, always thinking ahead, always thinking of who we are seeing next or what we are needing to do later then we have literally missed out on countless moments of destiny, of depth, of treasure, of significance because we were looking ahead - rather than seizing the now.  We risk an existence of misspent time...unfulfilled moments...unlearnt lessons...unveiled secrets...un-maximised potentials...unformed relationships...unspoken conversations...unreleased blessings...and quite importantly we miss out on the rest and peace of God that is available for that moment in time.

Now I am certainly not talking about magnifying the temporal, and being led purely by that which you can see in the natural. Nor am I negating the need to plan and prepare for that which is imminent and which of course requires our attention...but I am encouraging us to specifically take time out to dream with God as a lifestyle rather than as an escape tool...and I'm also suggesting that we diligently and intentionally also take time to plan and prepare for all that we need to do with our day...and to earnestly pray about the things on our mind...and then by faith releasing everything into God's hands knowing He will take care of every single moment of our lives.  I believe doing theses things could then help us be more present in our moment.  So I've definitely been reminded afresh to make the most of every second - whether I'm doing something super exciting, ridiculously mundane, painfully stretching, wildly adventurous, deeply reflective or wonderfully creative.  

I actually think this is especially important for those that are single and may be itching to settle down.  It's great to want to be married but it would be a great tragedy to bypass the glory and freedom of your NOW days as a free and single individual...because you're spending all your time dreaming about being married.  You see, on a level - when you get married, as glorious and beautiful as married life is let's face it there's untold stuff you're going to have to say goodbye to...like those deliciously spontaneous moments of intimacy with God that could happen at all hours...or the precious 'me' time that as a single is so freely available...or the silences where you don't have to explain anything to another...or do anything with someone else if you would rather be alone...the freedom to just up and go without having to consult another person or consider another's diary....the joyful freedom to sow into different pursuits and desires that centre around your heart as an individual.  

When you're married, you're part of a team...it's beautifully irrevocable...and being married you'll have wonderful new places of intimacy...new adventures...new conversations and new silences...yet it will be a completely different set up to what you have now...not necessarily better or worse...just different...it will surely be deeply sacrificial...it will have to be selfless and totally giving of yourself...it will be beautifully stretching...it will be a lifelong challenge of unconditionally loving another up close and personal...something that when you are not married you just do not have to go through twenty four seven.  So let's not be quick to discard these amazing irreplaceable moments of freedom we are in possession of NOW as singles, in favour of dreaming and scheming about what is yet to come...for there is so much to savour NOW....so much available to go after that you simply may not be able pursue when you are married or at least not with the same liberty.  And as incredible and magnificent as married life will surely be, for many of us, there is much yet to discover...to walk in...to experience before we begin to walk with another. Therefore being in the present in your singleness is crucial.

Yet for all of us, whatever our situation, whatever our lives may be like...seizing every single moment of every single day I believe is paramount if we truly want to live an existance of fulfilment.  I am convinced that the last thing that any of us want, is to live out our earthly lives striving to live from one destination to another - only to one day discover, that the true treasure was in fact hidden in the seemingly insignificant moments inbetween.  And so since my return from Suffolk I have found myself taking a little more 'time' with each of my moments, no matter who I am with...or what I am doing...endeavouring to truly BE in the moment...to glean...to give...to listen...to seek all that is available in my now...assured that as long as I steward my NOW as best as I know how to, then the rest will surely take care of its self.  I certainly know I have a long way to go...and I am sure there are so many moments I've still managed to miss...but for NOW I think it's a good start.

xx

Fashion Victims

With London Fashion Week in full thrust, I decided to spend a little of my time blogging about some of the issues facing this beautiful industry so many of us have a love affair with.  And you know, despite the darkness and perversion that has penetrated the fashion world, ultimately it’s a gorgeous reflection of God’s incredible creativity…a stunning art form of awe-inspiring craftsmanship, flair and beauty.  I loved reading an article titled Where is God in the Fashion Industry, that I came across recently in Christian Today talking about this very thing.  It’s a refreshing perspective of someone who works smack bang in the centre of the fashion industry and it wholeheartedly encourages us to constantly see God in fashion.

Yet fashion, we all know is certainly not without its soul destroying pitfalls.  Funny enough Christian Today, also featured another intensely sobering article about girls in India that are trafficked on the regular in order to produce Cotton, for OUR clothes.  And that’s kind of what I want to talk about today…about the stuff we need to consider when engaging in fashion because whether we like it or not it concerns us and we have a role to play.

You see if you are anything like I was, the only factors you consider important when purchasing a fashion product is how good it looks, how often you intend to wear it and whether you can afford it!  Therefore perhaps you are equally as unaware, as I used to be, concerning the impact our buying decisions are having upon millions of lives beyond our own. 

Until recent years I was rather sheltered in my understanding of exactly where the clothing that I bought on the High Street actually came from.  Keeping it real though, back in the day I wouldn’t even have cared.  But recent media coverage as well as my own research into this dark area has changed my heart dramatically.  Not only that, but the revelation that the industry is actually full of literal “fashion victims” that I have some sort of connection with totally compelled me to change the way I shop.  You see I came to the realisation that contrary to my fondness for fashion, I absolutely do care if High Street brands use manufacturers in the developing world in order to stay competitive. I deeply care that retailers allow manufacturers to pay their garment workers (many of whom are underage) a fraction of the minimum wage - and expect them to work up to 17 hours a day, in unhygienic, unbearable and exploitative working conditions.   I care like crazy that God has created these precious souls and they are living lives of abuse and poverty...that instead of living a life of abundance and fruitfulness they are being violated and victimised.

I most certainly care that, in order for me to buy a cheap garment in the high street – someone else has had to pay the price.  Sometimes at a detrimental cost.  For example, in the manufacture of Cotton – also known as “White Gold” – vast amounts of water are needed, often depriving entire villages of their water supply and annulated the economy.  The Aral Sea in the Middle East has shrunk to just 15% of its original volume, due to the vast quantity of water required for Cotton production and dyeing in this area.  (Ethical Fashion Forum).  Any remaining water used by locals is contaminated due to the insecticides and pesticides used in Cotton manufacture which is not only detrimental to the environment but also toxic for the farmers who grow it. (Growing Cotton uses 22.5% of the world's insecticides and 10% of the world's pesticides).  Farmers can be as young as seven, as children are forced to work in the Cotton fields.  The lethal water supply has not only killed all life in the rivers and sea but has affected food, agriculture and health - often leading to death. 

Closer to home, toxic chemicals such as Lead, Nickel and Chromium IV used in textile production can be transferred to the skin of wearers.  (Greenpeace).   Vast amounts of pollution is produced every day in the manufacture and transportation of fashion products in order to reach our High Streets.  Cheap clothing bought on the high street is often deemed disposable and is as such discarded without a second thought - the UK alone throws away 1 million tonnes of clothing every year. (Waste Online).  Discarded clothing and footwear ends up on landfill sites where manmade synthetic fabrics are unable to discompose.  Natural fabrics such as wool do decompose but contribute towards global warming as they produce methane when decomposing. 

The dark reality of unethical fashion must become something we all care about.   It must move us to change our buying decisions so that precious lives can be saved and livelihoods can be improved.  So how can we make a difference?  Here are some suggestions for ethically improved alternatives:

• Recycle your clothing – consider ways in which you could resurrect an existing garment in your wardrobe rather than opting to buy a new product
• Take your unwanted clothing to a second hand shop rather than discarding it.  Or have a swap party – get all your friends over, have a fun night and swap all your unwanted items with one another over a few drinks.  
• As much as you can buy organically produced Cotton – Organic cotton is grown using methods and materials that have a low impact on the environment. Organic cotton is grown without the use of toxic and persistent pesticides and synthetic fertilisers. (Organic Trade Association)
• Buy your fashion items from retailers you can trust – brands using manufacturers that pay fair wages, limits its environmental impact, use sustainable fabrics, used fair trade.  To find out more visit the Good Shopping Guide.
• Try and buy your products from small retailers that demonstrate an ethos of ethical and environmental principles. 
• Search company websites to explore their Sourcing Policy.  If you shop from a brand that does not offer ethically produced products contact the Head Office and ask what they are doing about their current sourcing policy and when they are going to stock ethical fashion.

The thing that we of course can always do with confidence and with compassion is pray.  We can pray for strength and mercy upon all these broken souls who are being trafficked and abused for the sake of fashion.  We can pray that owners of the factories would have mercy on the workers and would become so convicted that they would want to treat their employees with dignity, love and integrity.  We can pray that the hold of riches and profit would lose it's grip upon the manufacturers and retailers.  We can pray for shoppers to become more aware of such issues and for them to have a sincere desire to want to help. 

We can also pray for better living conditions for the workers and for their families to find support and welfare so they could have better prospects which could in turn help them escape such abusive working conditions.  We could also pray for laws to be passed which force all factories in developing countries to provide working conditions and better pay.  We could also pray for good health, joy, hope and comfort over all those working in these conditions.  We could speak life and solution into their destinies.  We can pray against sickness, depression and death.

of course, when we consider such crazy mad global scale problems like this we may feel intimidated with the vast scale of them...we may wonder how our measly support can even make a difference...but it will...refraining from buying something because it's a product of child labour is surely a powerful step in the right direction....or not purchasing something because it will only be shortly disposed of and you already have two in your wardrobe trust me is wisdom...intentionally buying fair trade demonstrates empathy...not throwing away stuff so easily helps the environment...spending time praying for someone on the other end of the globe changes lives...so however small or irrelevant it may seem...come on fashionista's let's do whatever we can to help the real fashion victims in the industry. xx

Helpful links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3n39T35Ia_4 

www.noir.dk

www.fashion-conscience.com

www.laboutbehindthelabel.org

www.make-do-and-mend.org

www.ethicalfashionforum.com

www.swishing.org

www.greenpeace.org.uk

www.wasteonline.org.uk

The Faraway God

I was so struck, moved, grieved, lots of emotions I guess...by a conversation I had with two teenagers who were fasting for Ramadan last month whilst I was on a residential youth programme. I found their commitment and endurance incredible, and each night when I would sit with them as they broke their fast, my heart would be deeply tender towards these wonderful young men who were staying so true to their faith. As I watched them patiently wait until almost 10pm to consume a meal that they had earlier watched 60 teens ravenously devour following a strenuous day of hard graft, my heart would enlarge with compassion.  

Yet for me, as inspiring as their commitment was, it was surely futile - if this incredible, exemplary sacrifice that they had yielded their flesh to, in such opposing circumstances was merely a ritualistic practice. If this whole process was in fact devoid of authentic relationship with the one they were worshipping then that would be rather pointless right? Because surely that was the point? Otherwise what is the purpose of 40 days of fasting and prayer if not ultimately to die to the flesh and draw closer to God. I supposed there were a whole host of meaningful reasons - perhaps they found deeper peace in their times of prayer during Ramadan or maybe felt themselves more sensitive to the things of God? Or maybe they found themselves more alert spiritually I wondered...or they appreciated the level of consecration their fasting bought? Whatever their reasons, I genuinely wanted to get to their hearts.  I genuinely wanted them to know how precious their love for God was...yet I soooo wanted their sacrifice to count.

As they ate their dinner I asked them how difficult they found it to cope with missing their five times of prayer during such strenuous and busy activities.  They responded that they often weren't able to pray during their time on the course or even in general - but it was okay they explained, even if they did miss their prayers because exceptions could be made. I understood completely, given the principle of freedom - and then suggested that even if they missed the prescribed five times of prayer it was okay because they just prayed to their god at other times right?  I was so sure that they would say yes. I wanted them to say yes.  My heart wanted to believe that these young men were seeking after an authentic relationship with God.  Yet they said no! My heart broke as they explained quite clearly that they don't pray to God outside of the five daily times of prayer...therefore if they miss a prayer time they just don't talk to God until the next prayer time.

Wow, what a tragedy!  I asked what the point of all the rituals and fasting was if they were not relationally involved or personally communicating with the one they were doing all this in the name of. They explained that their god does not require a relationship with them - merely their obedience.  What deception? How could they have settled for such a cold arrangement?  YET why was I so surprised at their answer? For I am fully aware that all other faiths involve man seeking God yet in Christianity alone does God seek man.  So of course the average non-Christian wouldn't be acquainted with the notion of God seeking a relationship with him. In fact let's face it there are also untold Christians who can't fathom such a notion.  

YET somehow I guess I always want to believe that beyond the rituals whether it's in Islam, Christianity or any other faith...is ultimately a pursuit and hunger to know the one you worship. In fact I personally know Muslims who are so hungry for God, they regularly talk to their god allah, outside of the prescribed prayer times and yearn to experience more of him. Yet to come across young believers so faithful and obedient to the one they worship - only to discover that they are totally content to do it from a place of obligation, outside of relationship and intimacy, grieved my heart. 

I explained that when you love someone you want to be with them and talk to them. You want to be intimate with them in an authentic relationship that went beyond ticking boxes. One of them seemed totally unfased by my words.  He laughed and explained that he'd heard this argument on a previous occasion, from another Christian who had shared this wacky concept of having a loving relationship with God - but he explained that he knew God wasn't there to have a relationship with mankind. He was Creator and Judge - to be  revered and obeyed as Judge - not to be treated in any form of intimacy or nearness. He also explained that his fasting was to demonstrate his obedience and nothing more.  I asked him if he was content with having a distant God and with complete confidence he responded yes.  Ouch ouch ouch in my inmost being.

The other young man thankfully wasn't as blinded to the thought of having a loving, authentic, relationship with God. In fact although he had accepted all that his fellow Muslim had just disclosed to me as standard procedure for many in Islam, it was clear that he was at that very moment inwardly contemplating the futility of all the rituals he had followed if they were simply just works.  As he responded to my suggestions of pursuing a deeper relationship with God with a longing in his eyes, he certainly seemed stirred at such a possibility.  I was grateful.  I shared a little about my own relationship with God as a Christian, and how in love I am with Him...how near and present He is in my breathing, my sleeping, dreaming and being. I explained that God is in love with all mankind and longs to be intimate with us all.  

I truly believe seeds were sown into hearts that day...to desire far more than self righteous good works as trophies of faith...to desire a relationship beyond rituals...and to never ever settle for a distant God because there is someone who is SO near...SO close...yearning for intimacy...you see YAHWEH will never leave us nor forsake us...He is God Almighty - Perfectly Holy and Perfectly Just - His is Love PERSONIFIED - and He is SO ready to dwell in each of us...to become one with all of mankind...if only we choose to truly seek HIM in SPIRIT and in TRUTH...

xx

Happy Day...

I remember an occasion a good nine years back when I was at a home group. I was a fairly new Christian, and looking back, I now realise that my relationship with God was definitely a tad legalistic.  Upon reflection I can see that what I had heard at church back then centred more around "doing" rather than "being"...around "works" rather than "grace".  And although I desperately needed God and wanted to pursue Him with hunger and authenticity I would find the ritualistic side of things so darn oppressive. I was deeply sin conscious and so aware of all the rules and regulations...all the do's and don'ts involved in this crazy God pursuit.  I desperately need God but religion made me feel chained and oppressed - yet I simply wasn't about to give up because on the on the other side of the rituals and conditions I was convinced there was a beautiful God that I was yearning to know.  

So here I was at this home group and a woman I had never met before, who seemed abit wacky and a bit of a loose cannon I suppose, made a statement that literally made me stop dead in my tracks.  She said something along the lines of "hey its okay if you wake up and haven't had time to read your bible or pray or to do all the other stuff you apparently have to do because Jesus loves you anyway...bless God".  

For a split second the hairs on the back of neck stood up. It's like the chains of religion broke over me. Momentarily I considered a utopian existence where I could know God and pursue Him without all the rituals and religion that seemed so very tedious and oppressive. "WOW...HAPPY DAY BAYBEEE" I thought to myself as I tentatively looked around wanting someone...anyone...to tell reveal more of this potential, delicious freedom in God. Yet no one did. For as soon as this concept of liberty arose, it just as quickly died. Immediately Someone else spoke up with a loud and familiar din of law keeping and quenched the gentle voice of grace.  Most certainly not intentionally of course - just at that time not knowing any better I'm sure. None the less my hope was quenched. My heart sunk.  Doh...of course such an idea was ludicrous right? It was simply too good to be true.  And so on I went with my works and my law keeping and my striving to read the bible and pray and be good enough so that God would be pleased with me.  On I continued with an existence of daily feeling less than worthy in this harder than hard pursuit of God...always so conscious of my sin and shortcomings.

Yet as the years ensued God began to unveil His glorious, lavish grace to me. To my surprise, yet immense, indescribable, delight, I discovered over time that, the wacky, precious, loose cannon I encountered years ago had indeed been right. For I soon discovered that I actually didn't need to perform to be acceptable before God after all. On the contrary He loved me unconditionally whether I read my Bible, worshipped or prayed...or not. His endless love was irrevocably mine despite my performance! Wow - what incredible freedom?  Oh how beautiful was this grace that had unveiled its liberty to me. The scales dropped from my eyes.  I saw the limitless goodness of God....His unceasing love for me...His righteousness in me...irrespective of my unrighteousness.  

The enemy had of course desperately endeavoured to keep me in the dark concerning grace for a good few years...shackled in chains of religion so that I would never discover the freedom we have in God...so that I would never live a life of liberty...drenched in God's unconditional love...His unchanging... constant...forever good love...irrespective haha of my ability to do the right thing or not.  Yet despite the enemy's best efforts...God just wasn't going to let me stay in the dark.  He wasn't going to let me remain deceived.  His fiery love never leaves a stone unturned.  For I have come to discover the wonderfully, comforting truth - that those that are truly seeking to know Him in spirit and in truth will indeed find Him...God will make sure of it, because He who begins a good work in us is Faithful to complete it - and as we find Him we will find that we are totally free in Him...no rules...no regulations...no law keeping....just undiluted freedom.  

Yet despite the solid assurance that God will indeed complete His work in each and every one of us...time wasted in a prison of religion is nevertheless a tragedy right? It totally grieves my heart when I think of the thousands of believers that are yet to discover that we have been set free from religion - that we don't have to live a life of tick boxes and obeying rules...of performing...and trying to do the right thing.  Because the crazy, mad, deliciously ironic thing is that once we experience the liberty of love...once we find ourselves so lavished with God's glorious goodness, we desire to do all we can to draw closer to Him anyway...we want to pray...and fast...and get worded...and give...and love...and praise...we begin to willingly choose the right thing to do...not because we HAVE to but because we totally WANT to...now THAT'S what I call true freedom.  And that's exactly what the devil wants to keep from us from truly knowing all along...the experiential knowledge of true liberty found in God's love...this glorious love that makes no demands upon us...yet compels us to wholeheartedly, love God in return...to freely obey His commands in such sweet surrender...simply because HE LOVED US FIRST...and because He gave Himself for us...holding nothing back at all...

x

Undisputable Glory...

I experienced such a beautiful God moment a few days ago.  In fact in was a glorious God moment after the sweetest God night –12 hours of nonstop worship and prayer at my gaff with a small group of friends and family…complete with a Curry dinner and full American breakfast. God bliss all the way!  But the moment I want to share with you came after the bliss.  Smiles.  It came during my holy come down. See way back in the day as a heathen (during the war), I used to take loads of class A drugs and after the most incredible euphoria would come the most horrific come down - where the following morning I would feel hideous – weak, frail, unable to talk, depressed and suicidal.  That's exactly what this felt like.  Now I obviously didn’t feel down or depressed after my Jesus jam however my body felt like it was on melt down - which is so rare for me because normally after a hardcore night of righteous raving I am ready to large it for days.  But on this occasion I felt so ridiculously pants!

Anyhoo so that same evening I was due to share a testimony of how God birthed the vision of Living in Light, at a fundraiser for a fabulous charity called Switch It, but I just felt too rubbish and literally couldn’t even speak.  And so, despite sharing about Jesus being my most favourite thing to do on earth, the delivery of my testimony ended up being about as vibrant as a weather bulletin.  As I was sharing I could hear my own words and I wondered what the heck I was on about. And though I saw many nodding heads and smiling faces as I spoke, I most remember the man who sat in the audience yawning away open mouthed absentmindedly observing the ceiling as I clumsily shared my heart.       

Part of my contribution for the fundraiser was to also auction off a pair of Bianca Pants to raise funds for Switch It, and I had been advised to plug my auction piece whilst sharing my testimony so that it would help the audience get a feel for the story behind the item. Well people, my attempt at plugging my product was about as successful as England’s World Cup efforts.  I basically found myself casually informing everyone that I would be auctioning an item later made by Living in Light and they were now obligated to bid because everyone had heard my testimony. Wow, persuasive marketing or what, right?!  And you know normally when you build people up and get the momentum going before you drop the testimony for maximum impact?  Yeah well I did none of that – instead I found myself just cutting a long story short and feeling so devoid of energy - I just wasn’t able to encourage people to keep dreaming with God the way I would have wanted to. 

So by the time I get off stage I was ready to duck OUT! Haha.  I felt like I had made such a mess of things and I was convinced no one had been impacted by the testimony.  Yet I felt far too poorly to dwell on it and just went home and slept!  So imagine my delight when I awoke to an email early the next morning from the organiser Myra who told me that a Street Pastor paid £200 for my item without ever laying eyes on it – because he was so moved by the testimony!!!! Come ON Jesus!! Wow right? Haha - what seemed like a hot mess in the natural actually had heaven written all over it! 

I was so humbled and comforted to be reminded that it’s not about my eloquence, vernacular or dynamic delivery.  It’s not about my ability to encourage or my vivacious personality or even about my sensitivity to God.  It’s all about Him and His precious, faithful anointing.  It’s not by might, or by power but by His Spirit basically!! Therefore we just cannot boast in our own abilities or giftings.  We cannot think even for a split second that we are the ones that make things happen nor should we fret that our inadequacies will stop God from moving.  We don’t need to be disheartened if we don’t seem to have anything to offer because God can take what we give him however great or lame it is, and do something so very amazing with it.  In fact in those places of seemingly little it often gives God far more scope to get the glory than if we used our obvious abilities and talents to do something for God. 

It is in these scenarios that I am reminded that it is only by His grace and goodness that I get to ride the waves of victory - not by my own strength or capabilities therefore I had better never get cocky.  And it is in these situations that I am so joyfully humbled to be reminded that the One who makes it all happen loves me unconditionally and wants to use me despite my shortcomings.  And it is in these precious God moments that I find there is simply no room for my flesh to try and sneak in there and attempt to share God’s glory - because hands down, no doubt about it - only God could have done something so very spectacular.  Oh YES - It's 100% undisputable...He is the One who did it...He is the One who gets ALL the props!! Yay! x

Fresh Start...

When I initially started working for this amazing Christian Company called Fresh Start in April last year, I was super excited.  I knew it was divine!  To be able to teach and mentor disengaged, marginalised kids on a one to one basis, through creativity and love – I was like HELLO GOD JOB! So imagine my total heartbreak when I meet my pupil on day one and find she is crazy wild, violent beyond comprehension and pretty much uncontrollable…she can’t talk, is only 6 years old and needs two adults to restrain her whenever she loses the plot which is about four times a day.  I think I was in shock for the rest of the month trying to come to terms with what I had let myself in for.  But you see as much as I totally hated the job, as much as I was daily punched, kicked, spat at and violated by my little princess - walking away just wasn’t an option.  The company told me hands down she was the worst case they had every experienced.  Yet giving up on her just wasn't a liberty I could exercise. Learning how to love her with God’s love despite her seemingly unloveableness was my only way forward.  And as torturous and let’s keep it real, as life threatening as it was working with the little lollipop, I got through each moment only by leaning into God like never before, being upheld up by His strength and limitless grace day by day and by learning how to let the purging have it’s way.  I believe I finished well - somehow I made it through the four months and my girl was placed in the right school for her needs so she went on to be well looked after.  I, on the other hand ran as far away as I possibly could from Fresh Start, because my wounds were so raw and needed to heal.  I needed time to recover from what I can only describe as one of the most painful assignments of my life.

I wondered what it had all been about – why had it been so very painful an experience and then nothing more seemed to come of it.  My heart had closed once again to working with kids and although I was so sure it had been a God thing I wondered if my four months of purging and breaking, with my wild child had been the sum total of it all. Yet seven months later I clearly felt God telling me to return.  And so with girded loins I went back (complete with body armour haha) ready for whatever God had in store for me.  I chose to work with two boys.  A nine year old and a thirteen year old. Both living separate existences of violence, defiance, hurt, confusion and untold behavioural and medical issues that were destroying their lives.  I asked some friends to pray for us before I started working with them so I could get God’s heart for them.  I was so grateful for these incredible prayers because they truly birthed God’s love in my heart for these precious little treasures.  Before I even met them, as cheesy as it sounds both had already captured my heart. 

I had read their reports and was aware of untold barriers that stood in the way of us connecting yet with the younger one who I saw first and my older boy who I saw in the afternoon it’s truly crazy how God gave me keys to unlock their hearts.  Literally from the moment I met them God created a rapport that was so divine – beyond my understanding, beyond my capabilities or capacity to accomplish.  And as I continue to work with them, the lives of these two young men are being tangibly touched on a daily basis by a God they don’t yet know. The favour that surrounds us as we hang out is unbelievable.  Our sessions consist of going to museums, working on creative arts, chilling in the park playing Monopoly and eating ice cream or playing untold games of pool with my older boy, whilst munching on cheese burgers.  Every session they demonstrate such honour and respect towards me, making sure they don’t swear or blaspheme, they try not to lose their temper and they are slowly integrating back into society in small steps as their defences come down and they begin to walk in freedom.  It’s incredible to behold. Their behaviour when with me is completely contrary to everything that their paper work has labelled them with. They have been tamed by Love.  It is truly nuts.  And it’s all God. 

Perhaps if this had happened eighteen months ago I may have been deceived into thinking it was because of my expertise, or my experience, or my behaviour management that my two boys were walking in such grace.  I may have concluded it was because I was a good teacher even, or because I knew how to communicate with the yout dem.  But you see in God’s grace I believe He allowed the season with my little fiesty princess so that I could learn to love on a new level, so that I could learn how to trust God more and so that I would be under no illusion about who was behind the transformation of these precious lives.  I am so grateful for the experience as agonising as it may have been.

You see because of how extreme the pain of last year was, I can truly appreciate how tremendous the favour now is over this particular season.  The overwhelming breaking during my previous assignment makes this time round far sweeter.  Yet I am aware that in both seasons I have needed God desperately to guide my every moment.  I do not for one minute take for granted that I have such a good time with my little men – for as much as the fun is, our sessions are moment by moment breakthroughs that span across so many struggles and deeply rooted issues - I can never take my eyes off the ball and I am constantly at God’s mercy to get through each hour, unable to do this job in my own strength or ability and needing Him desperately to navigate me through each step with my kids.  I do believe that the pressing in and following through last year paved the way for the grace over this season.  I am so grateful that this story didn’t end after the first chapter.  I’m grateful that by His grace He did not let me give up and allowed me the time to heal before gently getting back in the zone.  And that’s what speaks to me most about all this…the beauty of pushing through to get to the other side of a trial…not giving up…finishing well…lining up the breakthrough for seasons that are yet to come.

It causes me to consider areas of my life where I have perhaps given up before I have seen a manifestation of breakthrough, assuming that it was a battle I didn’t need to fight…or a place where coming out of my comfort zone was just too hard…too painful…too scary…too isolating.  Wow, one area instantly comes to mind and even as I type this I am resolving to revisit this particular place of discomfort…because there is a huge victory sitting on the other side of the uneasiness I feel when I think of this unfinished assignment - as I ponder the road I have so far travelled down it's path and the journey that lies ahead if I am willing to press through to the other side of the assignment…and you know what – I think I am…I am absolutely willing to contend for the glory that lies on the other side of this incomplete fight…because this Fresh Start victory has reminded me that in God I have already won the battle - I just have to be willing to go to war...

x

Jars of Clay...

For a long time I heard believers humbly share their qualms about God ever truly being able to use them.  If truth be told I wasn’t sure if I connected with that statement on a personal, experiential level.  Because I could see God was using me.  I could see Him use my personality, my vernacular, my experiences and my abilities to touch lives around me.  I could see lives being impacted through the God in me.  Yet I thought about that statement often – certain there was treasure in it that I was yet to grasp.

Then finally I got it. You see the more I fell in love with Jesus the more I began to see the inadequacies of my heart before God.  The more He unveiled His beauty to me the more I discovered the ugliness of my soul…the inequity of my heart…the pride…the self seeking, the judgement and self righteousness.  I saw how my flesh could so often get in the way of God and interfere with what He wanted to do through me.  I saw my impatience and lack of grace.  I saw the limits I placed upon love.  I suddenly realised that God had used me thus far, by His grace for His plans and purposes - but that by no means warranted me usable because of anything I could boast in.  Wow! Suddenly I understood what all those before me had meant when they had humbly questioned God’s capacity to use them -  I realised that it had never been about my ability, my experience, talents or giftings.  It had never been about the outside.  It was always about what was on the inside.  It was always about the condition of my heart – it was always about whether God could use this impure heart of mine to achieve His pure, untainted purposes.    

I was so deeply convicted.  So deeply aware of the shortcomings of my heart…so truly broken as I sincerely pondered how God could ever use someone like me.  It’s so ironic isn’t it that the more we become like Jesus the less we are convinced He will be able to use us.  The more we see our frailties in the light of God’s incredible goodness the more we question our usability as a vessel of Almighty God.  Yet this is why I am convinced he can use us.  Because the more we see His amazingness the more we recognise that none of it is our doing anyway – all of it is by His grace. The Message sums it up beautifully in Ephesians 2: 7 - 10:

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

And so in His incredible love Father God tenderly shapes us each and every day through the work of the Holy Spirit making us more like His Gorgeous Son - and the more we become like Jesus the more we lean into Him recognising that without Him we are nothing, we have nothing, we can do nothing – yet with Him we have gained all things and are able to do all things - despite our shortcomings and cock ups we have right standing with God.  That fills me with delightful confidence no end – to know that in spite of my inadequacies and the frailties of my heart, despite my tendency to repeatedly get it wrong and to fail Him again and again - with unconditional love and unceasing good thoughts towards me God is somehow able to use me by His grace, for His glory…with incredible results that will kick hell’s butt and impact all of eternity!!! Maaaan…how seriously heavyweight is this unfathomable grace we have stumbled upon?!  Like WOW a million, gazillion times, right?!     

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.”  2 Corinthians 4:7 (NLT)

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